The Blog
10/08/2024: Bleg
Might as well do one of these while I'm updateing the site. So how have you been, Callie?
Fine, mostly. Still struggling with the basic doomy depth of hell that is my life, but there haven't been any particular bad things happening recently. I've been able to connect with some church people, so I'm reaching out there. Trying to figure out if I'm just a weak-minded sod or genuinely too disabled to work. Been reading a lot of Re: Zero in the meantime. Not sure what I'll get up to after I exhaust that.
I've been doing the cooking, though. Maybe if I keep at this, it'll sink into me and it'll feel normal to be doing cooking.
I just see nothing but doom in my future. It feels like I've hit the bottom of a spiral and have nowhere to go from here. I'm not even obsessed with medias the way I used to be, which would at least be a solace while sinking. People say I'm smart and have some kind of potential for this great big thing but I don't see it at all. I just see more of the pattern I've already lived: failing and giving up once things get beyond my extremely limited capacity of dealing with it. At least I can be grateful that the people around me are so nice, but man... I don't know what I even wish for. That I had something that made me feel there was a point to my useless life, or a direction it could go in that is at least kinda positive. If I could ask for the moon, for it to also be like. Positive without having to be 'btw, you have to strain really hard for it'. But that feels like asking for the moon.
So yeah. Hanging in there. Hope you're doing well.
31/07/2024: More of the Same
I'm back home and my laptop didn't break. I think some part of me was hoping for it too just to inflict some kind of pain and inconvenience on myself. It's still breaking, and I hope it stays working, don't get me wrong. I'm just tired of everything and being so numb.
The move back home went fine. I'm home now. And now I'm left sitting with the same problem of time and... what do I do? Who do I see? There's actually less people here I'm connected with. Now what? Now what?
Write, blog, draw, translate, I guess... same stuff as usual. With the added benefit that my living situation is kind of questionable in itself. Yay? Hurray? Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking.
So, I really do hope everyone reading is well. It's just already hitting me that my problems are my problems and where I physically am has only marginal bearing on them. I don't know what I need. Hope? Faith? A prayer? Just something to do with my life? A job, maybe, though that feels like something completely unattainable now? I don't know. I feel so stuck.
Guess I'll write or something.
29/07/2024: Here we go
I got a new phone and everything transferred over well, so that's good. Just making the preparations to be moving out tomorrow and crossing my fingers that my laptop doesn't break. If there's no blogs for like, two weeks, then my laptop probably broke. But I have a line of contact to all my support people, so I should ideally be able to get home without further incident. Ideally.
What a crazy little adventure this all has been. I guess I'll be in a place to do a retrospective on it in like, a fortnight or two, after I'm settled back home again. I just hope my circumstances will be a bit better at home and that I can really concentrate on my mental health.
27/07/2024: Great.
I locked myself out of my phone.
If I'm locked out of my phone, I'm locked out of my emails for 2-factor auth. And then out of this website and most of my socials. This is while I'm trying to organize moving out.
Don't know how I'm going to fix this. Don't know my google account either. Might need a new phone. Can't believe this. Sad and furious.
24/07/2024: Bleh Blah
Today was another day. There was nothing particularly notable about it. Or was there? I slept in for a while, got up, did some translation work. Then went out on a walk and had lunch at cafe (should I care more about my finances? But I'm hungry...). Got told by the car dealership that I'm ripping myself off for selling my car so cheap, and basically I am, but I really want this lady to have a car. Then came home and did some writing.
It's another day where people are telling me to be kind to myself. I kinda wonder what that even means because I feel like I'm simultaneously way too charitable and way too strict. I have to do this and I have to that, I have to be productive. But in the same breath I don't mind that productivity being something I would quickly dismiss as 'just fun' or 'not serious.' There's like some deep insecurity going on in that, but whatever.
I should mention the translation project. There's really two going on right now. One is Kino no Tabi. About 10 years ago I did a lot of private translations of it, and it's how I came to know Japanese. I'm not sure what the translation scene of it is right now, but I remember way back being a little dissatisfied by the prose of Kino translations. So I don't know. Throwing my version onto the pile. The other one is Mariko Goto's album, m@u. I should really be prouder about these music translations because they're freaking hard.
Lowkey thinking of cloning the site on neocities to get more reach. Something to think about for later. Really glad for my frenz. Hope you're doing well.
23/07/2024: In Circles
Today I've kept it pretty lowkey. Mostly did a lot of translation work. It's the same stuff I was translating like 7 years ago, before moving out on my own and before starting GoH. It kind of leads me to wonder if I've done all of this just to return where I started, questioning whether I've really developed any new skills, or whether I just grew stagnant in the skills I did have.
I mean, I should hope that I grew as an artist and writer. But other than that what have I done? I might end up continuing ancient projects back fom ten years ago. My interests are still the same as they were ten years ago. I feel like I haven't really changed in a meaningful way except that I've grown maybe less functional, or at least more aware of how non-functional I am.
Well, I'll give myself goals once I'm back home, to try and cook more and take on more chores. At least that'll be something. Maybe I actually will finish these projects too, and that'll be something. And still chip away at GoH, and that can still be something. Very quiet day today. Managed to get my refill of meds. Had lunch at a cafe, that was nice. Hope everyone reading is well.
22/07/2024: On A Swing
Forgot to do yesterday's blog. Whoops. I'll throw it in here too.
Yesterday was Sunady and I got a deliverance done at Church. I started the day really out of it and did feel better after the deliverance, but I've had multiple deliverances by this point and they never feel to stick. I wonder of course whether it's actually demons (I do think it's demons) or some kind of psychological issue, or even DID. Whatever it is it feels like there's fractured aspects of my psyche and it's a revolving door whether what comes out of me will be something sensible or a stuttering 'uh...' with total mindblank.
I got lent a bunch of books by a Church friend, so they're Christian books. This at least gives me something to do with my time. But they're feeding my thoughts that it's demons and that there's some open doorway to them in my life, which might be tied in to my media tastes. So it encourages me not to engage with basically any media, and that leads to total tedium and being unsure what to do with myself. Like, if I tried to name the things in my life with questionable aspects, GoH is one of them and it's big. I'm not going to delete it, but if I'm not going to engage with it anymore that means coming up with some whole new subject matter for drawing.
It's something I'll get to more after I've moved back, I think. Otherwise today was alright; I went to a Church friend's place and helped her do some cleaning. Then did some Youtube and reading and now I'm here doing my blog. I feel a bit insecure about whether my care team will be in touch with me or not, because my care person was off sick today and I couldn't reach her or the actual hospital she operates out of. So I'll be relying on the Christians to help me with the moving out stuff etc.
Why do all the things I enjoy in my life have to be things that also are sinful? Or occult or 'demonic gateways' or whatever. Remember how this all started up because of this mode of thinking? But I've been like this for so long and I'm really sick of it, I want to be better, I want to be able to hold a normal job, I want to have a good responsible life, I want to be sociable and encouraging and genuine, I want those things so much. And in some regards I think I've made steps towards being that but in others I feel so disabled and when the dissociation is bad borderline retarded, like with no exaggeration, it gets horrible. How can I be helping people or doing anything good when I'm like that? How am I supposed to look after myself? Do I need to look into getting a dedicated carer or something? I'm asking this genuinely and I hate it.
But, yeah, that's where I am right now. Otherwise I'm waiting through the days for my moveout and then I don't know. Maybe a media fast, as if that worked last time (I had a psychotic break last time) but at least now I'm on meds? I'm so anxious about running out of meds during this whole moveout, too. Please please fingers crossed I get the resupply my doctor promised tomorrow.
Hope you're all well. How many people read this? I know there's one, but come on, who all is following there dramatic tragedy of my life right now? Substitute for GoH in some ways, hah...
20/07/2024: Countdown to Moveout
Today was alright. My mother came over and we spent some time watching TV on my laptop, which was nice. Mostly now I'm trying to make arrangements to move back out of this area and have done most of what I can do until Monday. There's 10 days before the movers get here, and until then it's going to be a lot of anxiety and a lot of filling hours until I get back home. And after that, I'm going to need to find more things to do at home, again, to fill hours.
Fortunately I think I'm a little less crazy than I was when this all started. I think. So I shouldn't stress out so much over things I like doing, like art or writing or music or games, which I seriously was before. Hopefully my laptop doesn't break on the way home, though.
Otherwise, what are my thoughts. Food. I have food in the pantry but I'm going to eat through it steadily. It should last me until moveout. My care team, appointments—they should be in touch with me again on Monday. Tomorrow's Sunday and I'll be spending it with church friends, ideally.
Again, I wish this had all worked out. But I have to admit a feeling of extreme reprieve at the prospect of going back home. If nothing else this whole experience has forced me to admit that I really do have mental issues and that I need to be a bit gentler with myself. For the rest of today though? Dunno. I'll figure it out. Hope everyone reading is well.
19/07/2024: Holding It Together
Today was a pretty 'eh' day. Spent a lot of time with my care team, which was nice. They wanted me to go into respite care, but I ultimately said no. I should be (SHOULD be) able to handle the weekend, then I'll see them again Monday.
Mostly did a lot of arrangements for moving out, so those things are rolling. I probably won't be able to sell the car back, so I'll be losing money on that. Have to figure out something to do with it. Otherwise things are just 'eh' in a very 'i am barely holding it together' kind of 'eh'.
Mum will be coming over tonight, which I'll be looking forward to. Can talk over some stuff with her. I worked a bit on LoS, and was actually able to focus. Hey, did you know I like creative things like writing and drawing? That they like, make me stabilize a bit and can keep my interest despite dissociating? And that there's probably a reason I focus on those fields so much? Apparently I keep forgetting that.
Grateful for all my friends and all the people who have been helping me. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Hope everyone reading is well.
18/07/2024: ugh
Well I forgot to do my blog yesterday. Today I have to admit, things are bad. I resigned from work. Almost crashed my car because I was dissociating. If that's how bad and unstable I am I can't be staying in my current living situation and should move back home. So I'm making arrangements to do that.
What a mess and what an adventure. Fortunately, the church people have been extremely supportive and have extended a ton of generosity and hospitality to me, making sure that I'm doing ok through this whole thing. I have my care team as well who'll be checking in and helping over the following days.
So, yeah. Guess I'll have more time to focus on GoH shortly. You know, if I could without a thousand intrusive thoughts. But I'll try. I really am grateful for everybody though. Hope everyone reading is well.
16/07/2024: Time For This Again
Today was bad. Just being straight up. I didn't have work, but I was barely able to sleep last night and the result is that I feel terrible and hardly able to think. My phone charger is also on the fritz and that freaked me out, because I really need my phone to stay in contact with my care work team and have my notes and everything.
My care worker came around today and told me to relax. I'm really trying but the insomnia is so bad. I really hope it's not a repeat of last time where I felt like I was literally dying. Don't want to have to explain that to work. So fingers crossed that things work out and I'm alright again by Friday.
Really really wiped out. Having some doubts about the whole move too, but what would I be doing different at home? Hope everyone reading is well.
15/07/2024: Oops! Loopy.
Today I had the day off from work, and I went a bit loopy. I forgot to take my medications the night before because I was super tired after the prayer meeting, and those chickens are coming home to roost.
Fortunately, I had a meeting with my psych team today and was able to tell them that I wasn't doing too well. They upped my dose (great, I was scared of that) but I think they're also paying more attention to me now that I'm being more open.
So, whee, estimations are that I'm nearer to a relapse of a super crazy episode than I think and that I need to chill down and order myself ASAP. So we made up a little plan of stuff for me to do for the week to try and keep things structured. Honestly, I'm kinda anxious about the whole work thing now and can imagine myself having a total crazy breakdown (again) except this time it's in the workplace — ugh. Maybe I shouldn't have rushed so fast into it but I do kinda like having stuff to do for the day.
Anyway, so after that I've been watching anime. Saiki Kusuo, it's really good but I can tell I'm not totally focused and that I'm bordering on super loopy. Hopefully the new dose of meds does its thing though and this loopiness chills out asap. I still want to know what exactly I did that brought this on though, I mean yeah the deleting GoH thing but did I seriously traumatize myself that much by doing that OR is there actually a spiritual thing here OR both??? Ok whatever bad topic to meditate on. But I think I have a ton of mental and emotional baggage that I'm still not really confronting but I don't know how to do that without someone to hear me out, which for now is the mental health team. WOW even the way I'm writing this is really bordering on loopy, isn't it?
Well whatever. I'll try to keep myself busy with anime and take the meds and cross my fingers that this passes without incident. Man I am grateful for my mental health team. Pray for me?? And I hope everyone reading is well.
14/7/2024: Guhhh
Today was another pretty normal day. I had work, did GoH, and watched anime. It's Sunday, but because of work, I didn't go to Church. I don't think I need to bullet point today, because that kinda sums it up.
The anime today is Just Because! and either it bored me a bit or I am having focusing issues. It's probably the former because I was able to stay engaged fine through Deca-dence a couple days ago, so maybe slice of life just isn't for me. That said, I'm kinda conscious that I haven't been engaging my brain in very much and that's part of what's boring; not thinking about things and having no real drive to think about things. Usually that energy would go into GoH but it's kinda kaput. After the big deletion, my imagination got really weird and it's hard to just sit and imagine things anymore, much less intellectually plot things out, which hasn't really been my process since Raum. I don't know. I hope I'm not like, cognitively declining at 28? Probably just hypochondria, but given recent events I can anticipate anything.
Just Because! was pretty good though, definitely had a strong down-to-earth vibe and really nice art. It blows me away how good artists and animators in anime are. But that aside, I'll be going to prayer meeting tonight and talking with the pastor. Maybe someone will want to hang out this week? I have quite a few days off work now to relax and have fun, or something like it. Hope everyone reading is well.
13/07/2024: Sleepy Day
Today was a workday and now I'm home watching anime. Thi sis probably how things will be for a while.
- Woke up early for work, went to work. Had a long shfit but I think I'm getting better at it.
- Got home, got dinner, made some phone calls. Notably didn't work on GoH today. I don't have that impelling, driving urge to work on it right now so maybe I'm just taking it chill? Or maybe I've replaced GoH time with anime
- Started watching Jush Because!. It's pretty cute, goes faster than I thought it would. Basically enjoying it. Gonna watch more after this.
So that's today. Very ordinary, one of many days like this, I figure.
12/07/2024: Pasta!
Today was another ok day overall. Spent most of it wroking and watching anime. Hey, it's a life.
- Woke up early for the early shift at work. Wrote some LoS 7, went to work. It's a big shift so there's a lot I need to learn still, but the trainer is nice.
- Worked. I might need to get in the habit of waking up earlier in case they call me in randomly.
- Came home, watched Deca-Dence. Finished it too. That was a really good anime, so I'm pleased about that. It makes me feel the gap between my writing skills and like, real pro writers, but that same gap makes me fascinated with the idea I can just play around with my creative stuff and don't have to take it so serious. Rather, because I don't have the same time or focus on my own stuff right now, I can't imagine sweating as hard as I have been over the years doing things like Raum's or LoS. I just don't have the same energy to wake up and think of literally nothing but the next scene and overall story.
- Which might be a good thing? I was definitely obsessed with GoH, in a way that I feel like I'm not right now, or anymore. And it's hard to express how I feel about that. I love GoH, I think there is a seriously good story in there and some interesting characters and dynamics. But I don't know about my whole life being so devoted too it. I do miss that passion and want it back. But I really want to hope my life can have other things in it that matter too. Can I have both? I dunno.
So pretty ok day today, not too emo. Tomorrow I have more work, so it'll probably be a lot like today. I'm going to be working on Sunday, which is throwing me for a huge panic thing because oh no, working on Sunday. Should I try to tell my boss not to give me Sunday shifts...? I dunno. But probably? I've been having some religious anxieties recently but anime keeps my mind off them, which is nice. Hope everyone reading is well.
11/07/2024: Soupy
Today was ok. Ended up working in the soup kitchen, and feel good about that.
- Woke up, wanted to get up early, didn't. I have this thing where I spend literal hours just laying in bed if I'm able which I think I need to break out of. But I've been doing this for decades and it feels really ingrained.
- Only really a problem when I need to wake up early... like I do for my current work shift, tomorrow... augh. So a bit of anxiety over my sleeping schedule right now, even though I'm trying hard to make it healthy.
- Did my laundry and grocery shopping. Didn't have to buy too much since I'm not cooking, just subsisting off bread and ready-meals basically. I did get some pasta though, I think I can manage pasta.
- Went to help at the soup kitchen. The usual kitchen was closed so we had to use the small one at church... and still managed it! So that was good. I helped clean up afterwards too, even though most people left. Brownie points? IDK.
And now I'm home and writing my blog. I'll sory out my laundry, shower, sleep over the next couple hours. What's something I didn't do today? GoH! Kind of conscious about that, I want to be writing it but don't have the super-drive to so I have to do the discipline thing where I just work on it every day anyways, which is how I got Ren and Raum done. Or maybe I chill with it and do it like Twin Cities where I just kinda vibe and it takes forever. I dunno! Kinda want to write now that I'm talking about it. Probs won't though. Hope everyone reading is well.
10/07/2024: Anime Dayz
Today was pretty alright. I had another day off work and had to fill time.
- Woke up, laid in bed a looong time. I really like just laying in bed. But I need to get past this habit if I'm going to be on call on short notice with work. Argh.
- Did a bit of art and reading. Resigned that I'm not working on that illustration anymore and uploaded it, the Camille and Poppy one. The idea is that Poppy's side of imagination fuels Camille's side of conceptual reality, so they kinda have a synergy on that dimension. Basically it kinda struck me that Camille being a book nerd would bounce really well off Poppy being a media nerd in general, since they both see media and writing as doorways to the heart (Poppy on the personal level, and Camille on an existential level). So maybe their friendship is a bit more stable than I first presumed!
- Went to that cafe for lunch. It's kinda sad and lonely to go to cafes alone but you know what, the food was good so I'm happy.
- Got home and went on a looong walk. Rested afterward and felt a lot better and more energized in general. Walks are probably good for me.
- Then did some more art and started watching Deca-Dence. I'm on episode 2 and it's already really interesting, so this was a good pick. I like the character designs in this, too.
I'll probably watch some more Deca-Dence (I finished Freiren), have my shower, and go to bed early. Tomorrow I have some chores and might help out at the soup kitchen again, since I don't have work. And then after that is a workday, but I'll get to that when it comes. Anime really does lighten my mood and inspire me to draw and be creative in general, woo. Hope everyone reading is well.
9/07/2024: So Sleepy
Today was a better day than yesterday. I spent most of it watching anime and at a friend's house, which was nice. I also got my first paycheck and was happily in the black!
- Woke up, laid in bed for quite a bit. I was so tired after waking up early yesterday that I really wanted the extra sleep. I think I'll adjust my sleep schedule to be earlier for as long as I'm on this shift.
- I really like laying in bed so that was nice to indulge in.
- Got up, did some LoS. I'm writing it in a way that feels very hands-off, like I'm not straining to come up with interesting observations or metaphors. I'm not sure how that affects it but it feels like it's going by faster than I expected. I think I'll take a short break from it though.
- Went to a Church friend's house. Helped her get her internet set up and enjoyed some food, which was great, never say no to food. Met some of her friends and ideally will meet up with them later. It was a good meetup I'd say.
- Came home and watched a ton of Freiren. Hey guys, I like anime. I enjoyed that a ton, really lifted my mood. The arc from the first exam onwards was super interesting too and bumped the whole thing up by a few points. I understand all the hype now. Wouldn't put it as literally the best of all time though. Not sure what I would. Probably Monogatari.
- And now I'm writing my blog and am gonna go to sleep soon.
So yeah, pretty lazy day but a pretty nice day too. My meeting tomorrow at the cafe got cancelled but I think I'll still go just for some food. It's another day off work, so I'll be able to sleep in again. I feel a lot better today. Hope everyone reading is well!
8/07/2024: Aaaaugh
Today was and is another emo day. I've hit that point where I've stopped caring about things I want to care about, in basic terms of aspiration, like wanting to be a good artist, wanting to be a good writer, I just feel so unable to possibly reach the heights I want to that I'm flipping to instead wanting to just do the bare minimum and hating it. I feel really aimless and tired (I did wake up super early today) and like my life as a gestalt is kinda... not quite pointless, but like, so wayward the only excuse for it would be a serious illness or something. I'm just so tired of trying and wish I still had that fire to love things and be impressed and really feel like I could make something good. And I feel like I've lost part or most of the thing that ever made me good. But I don't know. I'm not really sad but it might just be dissociation again. But I'm aware of just how utterly crushed my entire mental state is and it's a mess that's piled up over decades that I don't know how to begin with. And yeah there's God of course and I trust him, but man. I wish things were a bit easier and I could just be more satisfied with myself and what I do and blah blah blah it's an emo blog.
- Woke up really early, went to work.
- Worked! New shift, kinda complicated, kinda overwhelmed again.
- Got home, thought about getting takeout, felt too tired to. Instead did some LoS 7, read a bit, watched some Freiren. And now I'm here.
So yeah. Feel super super tired, when I'm on this shift I'll have to go to bed early. Great thing that I have... *drumroll* clinical insomnia, which makes that thing really hard! Oh well. I'll manage somehow. Which is to say that I'll just be tired and whatever. Really really wanting to go back to focusing for hours on a small patch of purple writing as a decent life goal again because at least that felt really good. OH WELL. Hope everyone reading is doing well.
7/07/2024: Hungry Sunday
Today was Sunday and I was a bit emo but recovered but got a bit emo again. Let's go over it all!
- Woke up, did a bit of LoS 7 And an Artfight attack.
- Went to church and got emo. The church people were really nice though and I made arrangements to meet up with someone next week.
- Went to stay at someone's house for lunch, which was nice and brightened my mood a lot.
- Got home, did some reading and another Artfight attack.
- And now I'm here listening to YouTube as I write my blog
I'm really hungry! Is kinda where I am right now today. I need to crack open my cupboard and do some cooking or something but I kinda don't really feel like it. I'm not sure really what's triggering me to feel so down all the time because today it was really random, though I'm feeling a bit better now. Tomorrow I have work and will have to wake up early in the morning for it, and oh yeah, there's night service on a bit later! So I'll be goingn to that too. Man, I really want food.
6/07/2024: Another Emo Blog?
Kind of emo. It's Saturday and I've not gotten up to much.
- Woke up, finished off Swift's thing, uploaded it. I'm happy to have it done but I got hit with a wave of low confidence and immediately began tweaking things. Part of Swift's thing is that I wrote the first section for it back in 2018 or 2019, and I think the shift to the more recent writing is kind of apparent. And my problem is that I can't tell if I really got better or worse at writing, or just wordier. There's a strange succinctness and intensity in my old stuff that comes from, partially, not being exactly sure how things play out. Now I do know how things play out and the things usually left to subtext instead get hilighted and I can't tell if that's good, overall.
My internal voice would say that it is good, but there's a precision in say Verti or Mephi's profiles that I feel I don't have anymore. Like I'm better at narratives and worse at getting to the point. This doesn't even look at actual writing-writing like Laws of Saturn, which is drowning in purple but that's Mephi's voice, so. I had some cool ideas for LoS 7 but I'm not sure if they'll fire me up that much as I get to work starting on it. Man, I kinda liked it when my 'mission' for every day was just do a few hours of GoH stuff and then have no responsibilities.
It just sucks feeling like I have zero feedback, so I can't even tell how I'm doing. I can tell I've changed a bit as a person too so that I'm not as self-deprecating (despite fluctuating confidence) and that also seems to sap the old intensity. Like the attitude in Swift's early part is something I don't gel with anymore. But the attitude I have now is so hard to express in a way that, to me, feels immediately engaging.
So this loops into a thing about my whole personality really. Again, I appreciate that I'm not as self-loathing as I used to be, but it feels like there isn't much substance beyond that. Like I'm not playing so much into a zany wacko grandiose attitude and what's left is just very milquetoast. I've been wanting help for my issues for a very long time and now that I feel like I might be getting it, I don't know where to begin or what to hold onto. Or even how to cultivate something like a personality at all, because it's not like you can just... actively do that. By definition it's the way you think and feel about things generally and though I think that can change over time I don't know where to start beyond isolated esoteric nerd stuff.
I mean I don't mind being a nerd. But it is so, so, SO isolating being 'the nerd' in a normie context and being 'the sane one' in a dysfunctional nerd context. Even something like taking it easy for Artfight, which is something i've DONE BEFORE, is freaking me out wondering if I'm losing my values by not pushing myself to produce really good work for people. Or like whether I should reach out more and be more social in the circles where I know I have interests, but it's neck-deep with people younger or worse off than me that I really can't handle. Like I don't want to mesh with these cultures, they're bad. But outside of them it's just nothing.
I'm just really badly off and it feels like there's nowhere to go because everywhere I turn everyone else has bad issues. And I just can't be the supportive person, or the inspirational person, or whatever, I am trying to wallow in being aggressively average but I can't really handle with that either, because I like producing stuff that is noticably good. and i CAN'T TELL if I am or not.
So yeah, a bunch of junk today. I want to go through Swift's thing and clean it but also man I just really do not.
- Did an Artfight atttack.
- Freaked out again and did some other stuff to assure myself I can still draw.
- Had a friend come over, chatted a bit.
- Freaked out again over the move and wondering if I messed my whole life up, again. Maybe it's just a totally average midlife crisis, haha...
- Wish I had a confidant at times like this. I've been lucky enough to have some really close friendships in my life, and I'm really feeling the void of it now.
- And now I'm doing my blog.
Man it's a good thing I do have a job so I can be focused worrying about that instead of worrying about all ^ THIS ^ JUNK ^. Whatever. What to work on next! No time for resting, what to work on next! Translating maybe. Hope everyone reading is well.
5/07/2024: In Need of Titles
I'm running out of title ideas for my blogs and it's barely been a month. How am I supposed to hold this together? Anyway, it was Friday, and my day off of work. So I didn't get up to too much.
- Woke up, wrote some GoH and did some Artfight. I'm almost done with Swift! Just need to spruce up the very beginning section, and then it's ready to upload! For Artfight, I did three attacks today. I know I'm just doing simple drawings, but this still feels really fast! Not used to pumping out that much.
- Made that omelette, finally. I mean it wasn't too hard but it just encouraged me to the thought that cooking isn't my thing, I just don't like doing it much with all the prep and cleaning up and worrying whether it's too hot or too cold or burning or what. Don't really want to get stuck on take-out either, though.
- Did my groceries and went for a walk.
- Oh yeah, I realised that Sheezyart is back. So I think I'll upload my pieces to there. Not sure about building that much of a presence there but like, I've been talking about wanting to have more presence, right? Dunno. I mean you can play the social networking game but I kinda really don't want to do that and just take it easier uploading stuff and faving random things.
- Then played some WoW.
And now I'm writing my blog. After this I might do some reading, and then go see the speaker who's coming to our Church. And then go to bed probs. Tomorrow I'm off work again, so I should be able to finish Swift... maybe. Definitely soon though! Hope everyone reading is well.
4/07/2024: Numm
Today was another pretty normal day! Kind of the same as yesterday.
- Woke up, wrote some GoH, did some Artfight. I drew two things today but only uploaded 1 cuz I was kinda dissatisfied with the second one. I might edit it a bit and see if I can get it up to snuff.
- Self esteem terror bout that I had to draw myself out of.
- Went to work! Had a good day at work, finished early. I get to eat lunch and dinner at work (woo) and feel really self-concious about eating too much. But it's nice that I have decent food I don't have to pay for??
- Came home, now I am here and writing my blog.
What to do for the rest of the night... I dunno! Thought about drawing but I might just read or watch YouTube. Tomorrow is my day off of work, so I'll have time to do stuff! A speaker will be coming to my church, too, so I'm excited for that. And I'll make an omelette. Hope everyone reading is well-fed and well!
3/07/2024: Whomp
Today was a normal day! I did some Artfight attacks, and worked. And some other stuff too.
- Woke up and went to bible study, yaaay! I'm glad my timetable lets me attend this. We're studying ruth and were talking about friendships, kind of a hard topic for me, but overall it went really well. They always bring morning tea there too, so that's a nice bonus. But really the best part is studying and learning more about everyone and having serious prayer seshes.
- Made arrangements to meet up with one of the pastors.
- My omelette plan fell through, postponed to Friday. All good though.
- Came home and did some Artfight! I've been wanting to write GoH today, but got kinda sidetracked by Artfight. Maybe I'll sneak some in now? It's pretty close to bedtime though.
- Went to work, worked, had a good day. Went pretty fast so I had a lot of free time to just kinda wait, which I'm not a super fan of but at least it's not like I'm feeling I'm running behind all the time?
- And then I went home and now I'm writing my blog.
It looks like I forgot to upload this all yesterday, whoops. Well yesterday's blog is up now! And tomorrow... don't have anything planned. Maybe I'll go out for lunch? And probably get obsessed with Artfight stuff. And work. Pretty average I am anticipating. Hope everyone reading is well!
2/07/2024: Whack
It's Artfight. Today I got into Artfight, what can I say. Otherwise it was a pretty normal day.
- Meeting with my friend fell through so we'll have to arrange a new date.
- I DID go to a little cafe for lunch, so hurrah. Bumped into one of my colleagues there, funnily. Had a sausage roll and chips.
- Did a couple of attacks for Artfight. I really want to scale it back this year so I'm trying not to go all-out by restricting myself to litle cartoony chibi things, and I feel a certain guilt about it because when I give stuff to people I'd rather be going hard-out. You know? This is somehow hitting my confidence hard even though I have a proper illustration just sitting on the wings that I'm presently not working on, lol.
- Went to work. Had a pretty normal day at work. Lowkey peeping the upcoming shifts and freaking out about my first upcoming solo shift, which'll be in a week or two. Look that's a problem for later, for now I just need to focus and chill.
- And now I'm writing my blog. Didn't play WoW today! I'm breaking the addiction... maybe! I spent a lot of time praying today instead so at least I'm substituting with something that isn't a total Skinner's Box, ahah.
So that was today. I'm going to have some afternoon tea and do some reading before bed and then... I'll get up to the same stuff tomorrow! Oh, wait, no, I have bible study and I'll be making an omelette tomorrow. So it might be a bit of an involved day after all. Whatever, we'll see! Hope everyone reading is well.
1/07/2024: Back At Work
My break is over and I'm back at work. Hey, how normal! So how'd today go?
- Woke up, had time to kill. Did some drawing, wrote some GoH, and played a lot of WoW. Swift's thing at a point that feels a little bit rougher but eh. I'll figure it out.
- Went to work. I'm on the evening shift now, so I basically don't have time after getting back except to maybe shower and have an evening tea or something. The work went alright; I still have an instructor with me, and this shift is a lot slower than the day shift. That said, it still has things that could bungle me up, so I'm still a little scared about it.
- Got home, and now I'm writing my blog. Gonna wind down and relax after this.
Tomorrow I have plans to meet up with someone, so I hope that goes well! I also have plans kinda percolating to go out to a cafe or something with my WAGES that I need to stop feeling guilty about. Otherwise it should be a pretty normal day of doing various nerdy things and working. Oh yeah, and Artfight will start! I don't plan to be participating much but I still want to do some chibis or something. Anyway, hope everyone reading is well!
30/06/2024: Good Ol' Sunday
Today was Sunday and I spent it mostly relaxing. Hey, I need days to relax!
- Woke up, went to Church. Caught up with some church people and made arrangements to see one next week.
- Came home and did a tiny bit of drawing, worked on Swift, and played a bunch of WoW. I'm levelling really slow but maybe that's good to be more, like, immersed and stuff.
- Now I'm writing my blog. Like I said, it's a relaxed day.
I think that's the shortest summary of my day that I've done so far. After this I might do some more drawing or something? Not sure. I will be going to the evening service soon though, so maybe I'll get up to some stuff after that. I have work again tomorrow, but I'm on the afternoon shift instead of the morning shift! So I'll have some time to mess around in the morning... wonder how that will go. Hope everyone reading is well!
And oh yeah, June's almost over. That means it's been a month since my last breakdown and move, and it's nearly Artfight. I don't know how much I'll be participating this year, but I don't want to be as full-on as I was last year. Which kinda hurts a little cuz I like going full-on, I don't like feeling that I could've done better after Artfight especially when people are attacking me. People probs won't attack me that much this year though if I'm not defending with super fancy pieces. Still excited for it, we'll see.
29/06/2024: Saturdays are Days to Laze
Today was another lazy kind of day. I didn't get up to too much, but I don't feel like I did nothing!
- Woke up, laid in for a bit, did a tiny bit of sketching and a good chunk of GoH. Swift's thing is coming along nicely and I'm pretty excited about it!
- Went and did my grocery shopping.
- Played a bunch of WoW. While listening to YouTube video essays, as you do. I got some addons in place and now it feels a lot less jank and a lot more dangerous to my free time. I've realised yes I like reading but it doesn't compete well with computer video game time; I have to actively clear out space for it.
- Did some translations and finished off an album! It's Mariko Goto's first solo album. I really love all Mariko's work really, she's just a great artist in general, but these first three solo albums are probably my absoltue favourite from her. It has the highly technical jazz-funk bass, shifting tempos and mathy stuff, with the catchy pop sensibility. Blows my mind it doesn't blow up. And her lyrics are great too, as it happens, wish more people could see them. Hm if only someone did something about that.
- And now I'm writing my blog. I might do some reading or play some WoW after this.
So yeah, a lazy day. Tomorrow's Sunday, so church! And then after that, back to work again. A normal reaction to Saturday! Looking forward to Church tomorrow and seeing some people there. Hope everyone reading is well.
28/06/2024: Adventures!!!
Today was a day of adventures! Okay it might not sound like it when I describe it out, but it felt really big!
- Woke up early and departed for a big drive over the hills. The road is really windy and kinda treacherous, but it's used all the time. So I was kinda nervous going over it, but moreso excited because I felt pretty secure that I wouldn't, like, crash or hurtle off the edge. So that was a big thing.
- Got to my destination and saw my mum at a cafe. Personal stuff.
- After that, wandered around a bit and chilled in the sun at a cinema's veranda. Really nice view and good vibes for relaxing.
- After that, met up with a friend who I can only see if I'm in that area! We had some tea and went out to various second-hand shops to do some shopping, and I got a few shirts I needed at a really good price. So that was a fun adventure! It was really nice meeting up with her and I want to do it again sometime. Like in a month or two maybe.
- Returned on the long drive home. Didn't get lost, didn't crash or fall off the edge! So that was fun too.
- Swift's first draft is done, so now it's editing time and I went kinda wild! I think I need to slow down a little but the bug's bit me and I just wanna write. Like I kinda wonder if I even need to do Trivia's because I like this a lot. But I'm sure there's cool stuff doing Trivia's too sometime.
- And now I'm writing the blog. Maybe I'll read or watch anime later. Or call somem people.
It's a public holiday here, and I'm off work and felt like I made a lot of the day! So I'm pretty chipper and hype. I think there's celebrations on in town but I'm not really going to them. Maybe tomorrow? I dunno. I need to do my grocery shopping tomorrow. Was there something I was gonna mention? Oh yeah! Just being physically in a different location makes stuff feel really significant, like a little journey, and that's neat. That's my piece for today. Hope everyone reading's doing well!
27/06/2024: The Happy Blog
I got over my funk from yesterday and had a good day at work. As it happens. You just never know where I'm gonna swing, hooo-wah!
- Woke up after panicking about work last night, felt randomly really good and rested, did a bit of drawing, then went to work.
- Chipping away at various YouTube video essays too.
- Had a totally fine day at work. Wasn't as stressful, didn't make mistakes, got everything done on time, it was just a good day.
- Got home, wrote GoH. Swift's thing is finished and just needs editing, hooray! So that should definitely be done sometime in early July.
- And played a lot of WoW. I need to get some addons for this private server, it's driving me nuts the amount of small QoL things that are in retail but not here.
- Now I'm having the rest of my fried rice for din-din while playing WoW with a video essay running. I am at peak performance and this is life. Maybe I should read something or call someone later.
So yeah, good day. Oh yeah, I picked up petrol with no problems too. I'm going on a long drive tomorrow. It's a public holiday, but I hope everything's open and the roads aren't too congested. They shouldn't be though. And oh yeah, this is my last day of work for the week. So that was my first work week! Looking forward to next week, and hope everyone reading is well.
26/06/2024: The Emo Blog
Okay it's not that emo I just don't know how to title it and I'm felling kinda down. Overall it's a normal-ish day though.
- Woke up, did some drawing. Will probably put that on Twitter tomorrow after I sort out the colours. So that's neat. It's a cute kind of piece where I want to focus more on composition but overall not super technical or detailed.
- Went to work. Did work. Got home and had doubts about work. I'm still so scared of spending money at all that I wonder why I'm even working, and having confidence/doubt crises basically constantly of wondering if actually I'm too sick to be doing pretty much any work. It's a lose/lose sort of feeling where not working puts me in a pit of feeling like I'm doing nothing, yes working feels like I can't actually perform to standard, and together I'm barely holding together by string of bouncing between those extremes. The only way out really is to tell myself I can totally step up and do it fine and I just need more time because realistically it's been three days. But I don't really know. I'd rather just know and be content that I'm failing in conventional life but still able to support myself, than failing while deluding myself that I'm not doing that bad with money I'm not even using.
- I do like the move to the new location though.
- So yeah, that's on my mind a lot lately. A month feels like long enough where I can't just brush everything off as 'what a neat little experience!' and entails a bit more commitment.
- Worried also that I might get tempted into having too many takeouts and like. I dunno. Everything just becomes some reason to worry except things that directly involve faith or church or Jesus, or GoH where I can relax in the fact that 'it's not really serious'. In the end is my life not really serious? Don't take that in a bad way, but I mean it's easier to live and do things if I don't think it's really serious and it doesn't really matter if I mess a thing up because nobody's getting hurt.
- In that vein, worked more on GoH.
- Maybe my friend who just works on fictional hobby media fulltime (basically what I'd do without a job) has it all figured out. Man, I don't know what I'm doing.
- Like I'm sitting here with my carton of fried rice freaking terrified of eating more because the portion size is large enough that I could probably have it for breakfast but I kinda want to eat it but I kinda don't but I don't want to gain weight but will I really but but but and it just spirals continually. Why am I trying to be functional.
- Like for a long time I've wanted to be a person who helps instead of someone who is helped all the time but it feels hard to do basic things.
- Guess I'll talk to someone about it. And I played some WoW watched some YouTube and now I'm writing this blog.
Yeah, kind of a day where I kad to look at my emotional mess going on under the surface for a while. Or that I chose to indulge in it, idk. I think I'll store the rest of this food for tomorrow. I'm freaking out over refuelling my car because the self-serve places don't take my card but maybe BP will. So that's my mission for tomorrow. And the day after I'm going on a long trip to see some friends. Man, I just hope things are going well and that like, I can be doing something where I don't feel some degree of incompetent, ineffectual, or 'it'd be better to just stay at home'. Whatever. Hope everyone reading is well though.
25/06/2024: Title Please?
Today was an ordinary day and probably the first of many such ordinary days. Not sure if I should keep up the daily blog thing for ordinary days. It's probably good to have a record, right?
- Woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep, so I did some drawing. Chipped away at the illustration a little, it's starting to come together now. It's a bit more ambitious than my usual fare, so it feels good to go out of my comfort zone for it.
- Went to work. Had a pretty good day at work! I feel more confident in one aspect of it, and like I'm slowly getting a handle on the other main aspect on it. I still have my senpai helping me though, it'll be nerve-wracking when I don't have him to fall back on.
- Came home and decided to unwind with some games, wanted something kinda brainless, and settled on WoW. My sub ran out a few weeks ago so I started up a private server. Feels janky and really makes the itch to buy a sub worse, but whatever. Don't I have a job to spend my income on stuff like this?? (Har.)
- Also did a bit of translating!
So overall, normal. I'm going to a bible study group this evening as well. I think it's good to keep connected with these thiings since having more stuff to do also meanss less time bible obsessing and I want to be at least a smidgen bible obsessive. Should probably be doing more considered readthroughs of it; I was doing 5 pages a day for a while but that kinda stopped lately. Oh, also, it finally rained properly today! Really consistent and wet out there. Happy to be indoors, and hope everyone reading is cozy and doing well!
24/06/2024: First Job!
Today was my first day at work! That's pretty much what I did today, which is kinda the point! Can't say I don't have stuff to do all day anymore.
- Woke up, got ready, went to work. I was on orientation today, so I had a senpai helping me and showing me what to do. He'll be there for the next two days, but then I'm on my own.
- The work is fundamentally easy, but getting into the flow of knowing where everything goes and what everyone needs will probably take a bit. I'm a little bit stressed because I'm wanting myself to get everything perfect off the bat but I know it'll take me a while to get used to where everything is. So I just need to be gentle with myself.
- Positives! Again, the work is easy. No disasters! The colleagues are really nice, and the clients seem nice too. I just don't want to disappoint them. The shift is also pretty short, which I appreciate. I think I can get my handle on it; it's a cycle of 'do x, do y, do x, do y'. I get lunch as a perk, too.
- Went home. Did a little bit of GoH, then went out and got fish and chips. With my WAGES. So I don't need to feel GUILTY about it. Now I'm just unwinding and chilling, watching some YouTube and thinking about doing more GoH stuff.
Overall... a pretty involved day. Wait, a normal day. I finally did it. I'm acting like a normie. Maybe I can become even more of a normie. Looking forward to tomorrow though, and to getting more used to the job. And I hope everyone reading is well!
23/06/2024: Goodbye Yesterday...
Oh no! I've accidentally done something to overwrite my last blog post. It is now lost forever to the winds of time. I don't think I did anything too spectacular yesteray though, mostly watched youtube and did a bit of GoH/drawing. I think in general my blog posts are going to start going in that vein now that my main things are situated.
- Got up, went to church! I did my testimony speech, and it went really well. Apparently I have ok chops as a speechwriter or public speaker. Or the crowd was just really nice, but people laughed and seemed engaged at the right places.
- Had morninng tea, and then lunch at the pastor's house. It's a really calming environment there, so I'm glad they're so welcoming at letting me visit.
- Went home and did some GoH. Also did some editing across the site to remove some profanity. I'm progressively removing profanity across the site; I don't think I'll remove it from Raum, Reyl, or Cam Shitposts (how do you remove it from Cam Shitposts), but in other places I'll try to trim it back. I'm washiing Mephi's filthy filthy mouth out with soap, basically.
- Really self conscious about saying I write to my friends because... look at it. All the writing examples are really vulgar, really emo, or they're Laws of Saturn which is pitch black. I want to get to the positive chapters of LoS so that I have something I can say's a bit less edgy, but I think even the light chapters of LoS will be pretty edgy. But like, I'm not changing it. I think I want to keep the old stuff as a sort of testimony, but also I kinda don't like the whole work of editing it all. Bleg. I'll figure it out.
- Watched some Pokemon youtube and started a Pokemon Red monotype flying hardcore nuzlocke file. I've never completed a nuzlocke, so maybe this'll be it?
Now in a bit I'll go to the afternoon service and probably get dinner at McDonalds or something. If I still have time after that maybe I'll watch some Frieren? I watched some Frieren last night. I feel self conscious suddenly talking about all this media stuff on Sunday as if the biggest thing I'm doing today isn't Church. Hey I love church. Probably won't have time after anyways but that's another thing on the pile of 'baggage to deal with'. Just working through slowly.
Anyways, tomorrow's my first day of work! Hope that goes well, looking forward to it honestly. And I hope everyone reading is well!
21/06/2024: I'm Back Babes
I got internet. Now I can resume doing nothing on the internet. Wahoo! Seriously though, I'm quite happy, but I'll have to find places and communities to reach out to if I'm going to be using it more. Or just have more convenient access to radom things and games, such as, being able to update my website without dealing with my phone or the library hours. I'm freeeeeee! Thanks God. And internet people.
- Woke up, one of my plans for the day fell through so I didn't wind up seeing the pastor. Worked on GoH instead and chipped away at the illustration I'm working on.
- Did my grocery shopping.
- The internet guys surprised me! I thought they'd be coming tomorrow, but they called me saying they were outside my house while I was shopping, and that I had to get back or else they'd go away! So we (I was with my case manager) sped back and let them in. I had a katsu bowl and a cronut for lunch. My first time trying a cronut. I dunno, wasn't that amazing. I think a regular cheesecake would be better (it was a cheesecake cronut) and now I'm worried about my arteries. I'm realising that I worry about things like, way too much.
- Kinda wonder if I have some kind of super anxiety OCD perfectionism that's dredging itself back up after several years of aggressively not dealing with it, with the spice of dissociation so I don't actually feel the anxiety I just behave anxious regardless.
- So maybe this time I'll actually deal with it!!?! (Fingers crossed)
- Cause I freaked out again after the technicians finished with the internet and got all sulky, because there's a delay between the installation and the activation. I was all like, oh noo something else will go wrong. But nothing else went wrong.
- Went out with my case worker again and got some bubble tea. So that was pretty chill. Except I was freaking out about spending money. It's like literally everything but whatever. Now I'm freaking out about having internet and not using it effectively. But seriously it's literally everything. Maybe I should pirate some anime and chill out, tee hee.
- Or do some translations or something. That sounds kinda fun.
- Oh yeah, and I totally forgot this. I uploaded the surprise page! It's the Kitt Conlang page! It's not super fleshed out or anything, but I had a lot of fun coming up with the symbols and thinking of the sounds they use. So I'm pretty happy about that!
So yeah. Overall a really good day that I've been freaking out for pretty much constantly. Constant pressure of 'I'm not doing enough! I'm not doing enough!'. I did feel better about GoH today than I did yesterday though. I don't have much or anything planned for tomorrow, so I'll see what I wind up doing. Might call some people. Want to be conscious about not getting too stuck indoors all the time now that I HAVE INTERNET (woo). And I'm so excited I forgot to say this! I hope everyone reading is well!
20/06/2024: Progression to Work
Today was a pretty active day. I did a decent deal of stuff and it didn't feel slow.
- Laid in bed a bit and decided to try showering in the afternoon rather than the morning. So my hair felt kinda greasy all day but I don't think it looked too bad. Went into town, did some shopping, finished my paperwork for tomorrow.
- Came home, worked on the illustration a bit, and made sandwiches. I got in another sad spell and called my support team. Like oh no is this big impulsive move a mistake after all, since back in my old home I could rot comfortably. Kinda wonder if it's linked to literally just being physically cold or eating sandwiches.
- Went to help at the food kitchen again. We made curry sausages and they were really good! Glad I helped out, since I was wavering on it a bit.
- Made plans to see my care team tomorrow and next Monday. Internet people called and are coming on Saturday. Maybe I'll finally have internet.
- Finished the surprise! Now is just to find time to get internet and upload it. Woo!
- Got bored and started translating a squidge of the Kino no Tabi books I have lying around. I used to do this for fun and it's still pretty fun, but it's so much easier using scanned copies. I might grab some once I have internet and idk. I'd probably work on some songs first. But I kinda miss the thrill of translating. It's really how I got into writing, being passionate about certain series and needing them translated. I don't know if I have that passion anymore so much as a more matured appreciation that doesn't feel as... high? It was kind of addictive how much I loved these series. And GoH at the start too, and kind of in general, but there really is a rigor with it producing more detailed work. But I kind of can't stop myself now. There isn't so much air of epiphany and 'that idea's so cool!' as there was before so much as 'yeah it's cool, but make it work. Execute it to its best.' Or maybe 'it's only really cool if you execute it right'. That's probably not a great mindset but I do want to, like, write GoH well. I kinda feel I've gotten more wordy over time and can't tell if my writing is overall better or worse.
- Now I'm writing my blog and wondering what to do for the evening. Maybe more translating? And some tea.
Gonna help the pastor with some computer stuff tomorrow, so feels like a full on day. The weather here is so weird. It doesn't really rain, just showers, but it keeps flipping between sunny and showers. Makes it kinda hard to dry my laundry. Oh, and verdict on night showers. Morning is probably better, but I like how it helps me wind down! Hope everyone reading is well.
19/06/2024: Paperwork Homework and Excitement!
Today I properly meet my employer, and she's really nice! Most of today was spent doing paperwork, but I feel really productive!
- Woke up, bummed around, and went to see my employer. As stated, she's really nice and will be easing me in through easier work into the more complex stuff over time. I am so relieved and grateful for that, and happy that that's the process. I got my uniform and a mound of paperwork to do. I start next Monday! I'm a little nervous, but also excited to start work and meet my managers and that on the floor.
- Was worried a bit that the uniform pants didn't have pockets for my keys but then I discovered... they did! Hooray!
- Went to Bible study, caught the tail end of it after meeting my boss, which overlapped. Was nice to see everyone. The subject was the midwives who defied Pharoah and we talked a bit about how oppressed women still are in some countries, and how brutal local power dynamics can be. It feels weird to consider sometimes that this stuff still goes on when living in a first world country. I hope I can get the work hours shift that lets me still attend Bible study.
- Helped clean up the Church and had lunch at the pastor's house. Stayed with them as I read over my paperwork. Played a little Flight Rising as well. My data should refresh tomorrow but they let me use their internet for it.
- Got home, finished the paperwork except for one thing, had noodles for dinner.
- Wrote out a speech for a testimony to give on Sunday. Getting situated here has been so smooth (except internet which I'm sure is coming... soon!) that it feels like God is involved, so the pastor wants me to share. I agree so I said yes. Of course I made it a dramatic speech because I'm a creative writer, why wouldn't I? But if you follow this blog you basically already know what is in it.
- Now I'm writing my blog and thinking of having some evening tea or doing some reading or drawing maybe before bed.
So it feels like a big day! Still have a bit of paperwork to do which I'll check off tomorrow. Then maybe help at the kitchen again? Man this week has gone fast. Or is going fast. Maybe I'm getting out of that time sink. Hope all goes well with the job! And hope everyone reading is doing well.
18/06/2024: Stir Fried Day
I got the job! Is the biggest thing that happened today. Today didn't feel as long as some other days, so that was good too.
- Woke up and worked on the surprise page a little. Not sure when I'll be done with it but it really shouldn't be that long. I'm just pacing myself.
- Worked on the illustration. Pacing myself there too.
- Got the phone call about the job. Hooray! Now I'll have an income to spend on cafés and stuff! But more than that, I'm really happy to get it, but now I'm fretting over whether I'll be able to do the work well. I'm sure it'll work out but man. I have a meeting to talk with my employers tomorrow, so I should get my hours and that all sorted then.
- Went out to the library and played some Flight Rising. Might as well use their data for it while I'm waiting on internet. Also updated the site with a new image and did some reading. I could remember stuff about the book while reading it and in the zone, and didn't feel so dumb. Maybe it's clicking more?
- Made stir fried rice. It was kinda meh, but not awful, but there was too much for me to eat and I freaked out about reheating so I wound up throwing a portion away. Will probably need help if I do it again.
- And now I'm playing Neverwinter. I'm getting close to the Grimnaw fight, where I got hardstuck last time. I think I'll also make a cup of tea for the night.
So that was my day. Feels pretty eventful, and now I have stuff lined up for tomorrow. I hope all that goes well! And it feels good to be working on creative stuff too. Praying for strength. Hope everyone reading is well and well fed.
17/06/2024: Eggcellent Day
Today I was expecting a bunch of phone calls, but none of the ones I expected really came. So there was a lot of hunting for stuff to do today, as well as some kitchen experiments. Everything feels slow! I finish things fast, then the rest of the day is slow!
- Woke up early to catch any phone calls, organized my garbage for pickup tomorrow, then wrote some GoH. Getting into the later stages of Swift's thing, will probably be done by the end of July.
- Worked a bit more on the surprise. Not sure when this'll be done, but it really shouldn't take that long.
- Decided I'd spent too long inside, so went out to the library to do some reading. I couldn't focus on the book very well and got frustrated, because I couldn't tell if I was having some kind of neurological issue or if I was just bored with the book. Serious issues with me. So I got home and had a bit of a sad breakdown over that, like wondering if I had some neurodegenerative condition or ADHD or if I was just bored. It was a pretty calm happy book and I think I'm used to bloody gritty drama stuff.
- Made sandwiches and ate them mopily.
- Played some Neverwinter. Beat Vix'thra.
- Called my church friends for support and wound up going out to coffee with one. Felt a lot better after that.
- Did a lot of random doodle drawing. Thought about working on that illustration I have sitting there but didn't, ultimately. Then I made eggs for supper and now I'm writing my blog. Not sure what to do with the rest of the night.
So still no internet and no sign on when I might get internet! I did make plans to make the stir fry tomorrow, so I have stuff lined up, but man I want my internet. I think I can work without it by mooching off the library but that's not a long term solution. Really want to get back to working on my site properly and maybe socializing. Flirting with the idea of doing comms too. See how tomorrow goes. Hope all reading are well.
16/06/2024: Hallelu Hallelu
Today was Sunday, so it was church day! I actually got up to a lot today, or at least it feels like it. A productive Sunday.
- Woke up and went to church. There were several speakers today, let's see if I can remember them all. One was about trusting God through the storm. One was about casting our burdens on God. One was about stewarding the land. One was about copying God's ways not the world's. And I think there might have been another but I'm blanking. It feels a bit humdrum lined up like that, but like, put in practice it's a lot.
- Got lunch, went home, wrote GoH. I got hit with a really bad thing of doubt at church then I was like 'whatever, GoH time anyways' and then poof I forgot about it.
- Cleaned my sneakers which have been dirty since that time I freaked out up in the mountains. Did I not mention that. Well I'm not getting into it.
- Did some more GoH stuff. I think I'll finish this soon, so I'll let it be a surprise!
- Went back to night church for worship/ prayer meeting. Took communion. Great! I've been wanting to for a while. The pastor was really nice and gave me a hug. We're going to meet up on Wednesday probably. I like the vibe of the night sessions a lot, idk, they feel more spiritual and personal I guess.
- Then ate out with some congregation members. I'm still trying to establish myself and connect but sometimes when I speak I feel like it's just a string of non sequiturs even though I feel like I'm talking clearly? Am I just dumb or something? Well I know I'm not but geez. Overall I think it went well though. And now I'm home and writing my blog.
So that was today. Tomorrow... I dunno. There's a lot of stuff that could happen tomorrow and people who might want to contact me. I dunno what I'll be doing. Maybe some GoH. God bless. Hope everyone reading is well.
15/06/2024: Lazy Setbacks
Today was another uninvolved day where I didn't get up to too much, or at least it doesn't feel like I did much. I spend most of today playing video games and it felt like it went really quick. We've passed the one week mark for my time in the rental! ...Wait, it's only been eight days since I was in a motel? And I didn't have furniture? That's wrong, right? It's definitely been longer, right? Why does it feel like I've been here for months already? This time sink thing feels bad. I guess I need stuff to do but I've already been involved with as much stuff as I can find and it still feels like things are moving simultaneously fast and slow.
- Woke up early for the technicians to come. They wound up coming later than I expected, so I spent some time drawing. I'm working on a new illustrated piece that I think will be really cool if I finish it! Just bits at a time though.
- The internet technicians said something was blocking them in the install so they have to come back next week with specialist equipment. So still no internet. I was kind of braced for something like this so I'm not too upset, but man, I really want my internet back so I can stop being paranoid about using up my phone's last 6gb. And upload pictures and maybe try to make a social media presence again. I love my site, but I'm kinda sick of having no presence. So I might try to reach out on art websites or toyhouse again. Dunno for sure, just a thought on my mind.
- Played Neverwinter. I restarted my Zach file as a HotU save and had a lot of fun. I was trepidatious about going dual daggers with a hawk companion being too gimpy, but it actually works really well and things die super quick. The hawk's great too despite seeming weak. I'm in chapter 2 right now about to fight the vampire village. The real question though is if I'll be able to get past the Grimnaw fight. That one hard-stuck my last file as a monk.
- Realised it was a lovely day out and I shouldn't spend it all inside. Thought I'd go to the library, but it was closed, so I went on a big walk instead. Scoping out all the shops and eyeing any wall art I might want to hang on the empty, lonely hangers all over the house.
- Came home and made sandwiches. Yes this is a big enough event to note here. The bread defrosted fine. It really is as simple as leaving them out, I guess there isn't much water in them to cause crystals to form or anything. And I discovered that canned chicken is actually good and a viable easy thing I can use. I might buy more tomorrow so I can have more sandwiches.
- Played a ton more Neverwinter and now I'm writing my blog. Oh, and I did the Fathom event for Flight Rising. Guess I should note that. Seriously eats my data to browse Flight Rising though.
So that was today! Again, I suppose the biggest thing is the failure of the internet to get set up, but again, I expect literally nothing to ever just go right so it's par for the course and instead my brain's just full of Neverwinter. I hope it does work properly when they come to continue the job though.
Tomorrow's Sunday! Church day! Woo! I've grown an affection for modern Christian music just by what's on the radio in my car... you know, the super modern R&B beats type stuff. I mean it works, right? Nothing heretical about being groovy. So that's something I'm looking forward to. And then on Monday my prospective employer should be getting back to me, so that's next. Getting ahead of myself by a whole day, woo. Hope everyone reading is well.
14/06/2024: Prep For Success
Today was a pretty peaceful day. I didn't get done the thing I wanted done, but it's in motion to be done tomorrow. Means I'll have an early wake up! No lounging around in bed for an hour!
- Woke up and wrote some GoH. It goes so fast I forget to note it, but it's so fun Shreve I do it. Just chipping away at it. No clue when I'll be done. Hopefully by the end of art fight? I just call July 'art fight'.
- Went grocery shopping with one of my support workers in preparation of making some stir fried rice next week. Look I've had a questionable upbringing this is a big step for me. I'm really nervous about doing this or somehow mistreating the ingredients, like, I was freaking out all day about how to unfreeze bread that's been stored in the freezer. Apparently you literally just let it sit and it's fine. Okay?? It doesn't melt or get wet or anything? Am I applying too much cartoon physics to this? But yeah, lots of sandwiches in my future. And fruits.
- The internet guys came to set up the internet and I freaked out a bit because they said they'd have to install it in a specific location that isn't near a phone jack or power point and I thought you need the installation to be near a phone jack and power point. I'm still not really clear on the right way to get internet set up here. But I'm just going to trust they know what they're doing. Really want my internet back.
- Then I played Neverwinter Nights. I finished the main campaign (woo!) and beat Morag. I don't know how you're meant to beat her without being a spellcaster. Then I started a new file of Undrentide as a ranger Zachary. And now I'm writing my blog.
Man, writing about the internet thing just made me really anxious that something will go wrong. I'm so used to everything being held together by string and having no real clear answers on why something's working or not and I hate it. I wish more things would just work properly and if there was a problem that I'd know what it is. But yeah. Held together by string is still held together apparently, haha...
Hope everyone reading is well. Please cross your fingers for me that the internet installation goes fine!
13/06/2024: Hot Dish
Today was a tumultuous day! It feels like I did more stuff than I actually did, and in the end I was pretty freaked out about it.
- Woke up and laid in bed for a while. Had a scare that my washing machine wasn't working, but then it was, so I was able to do my laundry. Woohoo!
- Did a bit of drawing. Almost forgot to mention this. I'm working on something for the site and hope it turns out well, but it feels like a really big effort right now. It's fun once I get in the groove, though.
- Went out to pick up a refill of my meds. Have I mentioned these yet? I'm on Risperidone now after my last mental ward visit and so far these are treating me better than the Aripiprazol. I'm not completely trusting yet, but I'm glad I can still think and sit and sleep at least.
- Went to a cafe for lunch, had the same chicken apricot panini and a muffin. It was ready good, and the ambiance was nice.
- Went to help volunteer making meals for the homeless. You know, despite my remedial cooking ability. I think I was able to help out a bit though and everyone was really nice, so I'm glad about that. But it impressed to me the fact that I'm pretty bad at cooking and only really good at the chores and tasks secondary to cooking, like cleaning up or decorating the food.
- Then went home and started a fire while trying to grill a sandwich in the oven. Thankfully it went out quickly and didn't spread, but learning to cook is something I've been praying for and I'm taking this as a sign that the answer is no. Cooking is not in my destiny. So now what, how am I getting my meals? Guess I'll figure that out, but I don't want to be wasteful or anything by getting take out literally all the time. I'll have to find foods that don't need the oven.
- Played some Neverwinter and now I'm writing my blog.
So yeah, the grilled cheese fire was a huge scare and I'm still freaking out over it and have resigned that I'm not going to cook ever. Tomorrow the internet people are coming to set up the Fibre, so I hope that goes smoothly! Praise God for containing the fire and putting it out quickly. My new adventure is trying to understand my diet. Like should I bedoing it more or? Where's God pointing me with that?
I'm really nervous about being too dysfunctional to manage the job I applied for given that I apparently can't handle something as basic as cooking. But I just have to hope and figure it'll be OK and it's a different enough thing that I can do it. Hope all reading are doing well. And have warm tasty food!
12/06/2024: Job Prospects
Today was a pretty active day, but it felt like it went by really fast! Firstly I got up and went over to Bible study, which was really fun. Wait, I should save this for the bullet points, huh? I'm a little hungry but it feels too late to make anything, so today was also a day where I'm really conscious of my diet being kind of thin.
- Started the day with Bible study. It was a really nice sized group and very casual, with some really nice bread somebody brought. The questions were interesting too, it was about Mary and Elizabeth. I got to do the prayer to sign it off, too, which was neat. I really like having an environment like that where people are keen to talk about Jesus and spiritual things without it being weird or awkward or anything.
- Helped clean up the Church windows a little bit. Every bit counts!
- Then went to the library to print off my CV. Finished that really quickly, so then I did a bit of reading. The book I usually read there wasn't available, so I started a new one. I should probably take the books out if I wanna hold on to them, eh? Well I have my own backlog at home.
- Went for a walk and then went to the art studio. Did a bit of drawing. Actually turned out really good? I'm not supposed to be doing that with real life pencils but hey.
- Then just kinda randomly I felt really stupid for some reason?? I don't get it. It went away eventually but I have no real idea what triggered that. Something about the art studio?
- Then I went and applied for a job! I got an interview right away and I think it went well. Really hope they call me back and accept me. This'll be my first job in ages if I get it and I'm kind of excited to be actually doing things in the community, even if I'm a little nervous too. Surely I can manage it! But the employers seemed really nice.
- Then came home, had a dinner of sandwiches, and wrote some GoH. Woohoo! Almost forgot to mention it since my word limit for the day feels so small, but I think I need to pace myself like that. And after that I played Neverwinter Nights and now I'm doing my blog.
- I'm up to chapter 3 now with Neverwinter and at the part where it starts feeling a bit hard and sloggy, at the fire giants. Getting the urge to start a Zach file as a ranger but I'll try to stick through with the Poppy one.
And that's been my day today. Tomorrow I'll look to volunteer at a soup kitchen, and then... I dunno! Might do some reading tonight though. Hope everyone reading is well.
11/06/2024: Keeping Warm
Today I did a lot of random tasks and didn't most of it with my church friend. I was nervous she wasn't going to show up, but just when I went to try and get her number, she arrived! It's one of those impeccable timing things that makes me very aware of the presence of God, though why this moments specifically I don't know.
- So I woke up and spent a lot of time waiting for my church friends to arrive. One of them wound up having to stay home and the other was late, but she did show up eventually! She taught me some housekeeping tricks and seemed very impressed with my rental.
- Then we went out and got lunch, and stayed at her place for a little while. Very cute little place she and her husband built together. And she had an adorable old cat. She told me some of her stories and helped me to prepare for tomorrow, with potential work stuff and Bible study stuff.
- I went back home and drew for a bit. I finished an illustration I've been working on, so I'm happy about that, but don't have internet to upload it. Hopefully I can get that set up smoothly and get to uploading the picture!
- Then my friend came back and we dropped off a bunch of my old clothes at the salvation army. She also took me to some op shops and I got some free bread, so I went shopping for stuff to make sandwiches. Then she gave me a job application for a place I was looking at! I filled it out and hope it goes well hanging out in tomorrow!
- Also I did some paperwork I needed done, so that's good.
- Then I played Neverwinter Nights and now I'm about to go to bed.
Pretty involved day! I don't think I could've done most of this without my friend, so I'm really glad I waited long enough to catch her. It was nice meeting her too and I hope I can do some nice things for her too sometime! I'm really conscious that everyone's being so kind to me and I'm kind of just obliging on it. That's kind of the point but I wish I wasin the position to be the provider for once, but I just don't feel like I'm there yet. Or that I really will be for a long time.
I have a decent amount of stuff to do tomorrow, so hoping that goes well! And as always, I hope everyone reading is well.
10/06/2024: Clothes and Furniture
Today the movers came and dropped off all my stuff. So finally (it's been three days) I have a bed and a couch to lie on! Alongside all my clothes and miscellaneous bits and bobs.
- Woke up, showered, and drew some stuff while waiting for the movers to arrive. Had the revelation that my music taste isn't just emo, it's kind of oppressively mired in depressing stuff even though the music itself is really good. Not sure what to think of it. If i'm going to try and restructure my library or what.
- Movers arrived. Everything fit and I got a fridge too! My computer doesn't seem to be working and I can't tell if it's because of the computer or because of the wiring. I don't really use it but I'd love for this to be fixed.
- Sorted a whole bunch of stuff. Most of what's left is clothes, and I'm going to drop a lot of these off to a second hand store since I don't use them. I'm leaving actually sorting them all to tomorrow, though. I feel like I've done enough today.
- And wound down with Neverwinter Nights. Now I'm writing my blog and might read later after dinner or something. Not sure.
I have church friends coming over tomorrow who I'll hope will help me decide on some of these clothing items. Then is dropping them off and disposing of all the boxes. I also want to do some paperwork at the library tomorrow, too. Seems like it could be a pretty busy day. See how it turns out. Hope everyone reading is well.
9/06/2024: Lazy Sunday
Today was Sunday and that means church! Church and church stuff is pretty much all I did today and I can't complain. It's a full day where I don't have much dead space gaps to fill with video games or whatever. I mean I still want that time but having too much of it does puts on my conscience.
- Woke up, played some Neverwinter Nights and went to church. There was a guest speaker who talked about how we carry God's presence with us and how we have to struggle to grow. Being frank I'd rather be in a resting phase than a struggle phase right now, but I get the idea.
- Got lunch and stayed at the pastors house for the afternoon, just chilling. Watched since car repair show and fed some eels. They were huge! And the pastor is amazing!
- Went home and played a bit more Neverwinter.
- Then went to the evening service, it was great! Afterwards went with everyone to McDonald's for dinner. And now I'm home and writing my blog, about to go to bed.
So that was a pretty full day without going super full on with anything. Tomorrow the movers will be bringing my furniture in so I think that'll be a pretty big day. See how it goes! How everyone reading is well.
8/06/2024: Getting Clean
Today was a pretty chill day. Since I haven't been able to clean my clothes while at my friend's, I've had a pile of dirty laundry build up. Finally I'm able to just clean things in my own washing machine and put them out on a line! So no laundromat in the end.
- Woke up. I was stubborn last night about sleeping on the floor instead of on an inflatable bed because I was nervous about setting the bed up and taking it down again, but remitted after waking up in the middle of the night and realizing my leg was numb. Makes me feel bad for people stuck doing this every night.
- Anyway, it was cold. I wanted to stay in bed a while but ultimately didn't, and instead set to having a shower. The property has electric water heating and it hadn't been turned on so I had to wait a while for hot water.
- Wrote some GoH! Finally. Did some drawing too. My tablet goes weird when using SAI and doesn't fit the screen size properly, but that's just another one of those things to work around I suppose.
- Went out to the library and read the book I've been reading a little more. Just want to get back in the habit. Hey, these books are so slow paced, why do I feel self conscious when my scenes take more than one page?
- Did make me want to edit some things with LoS though. Just to make it less vulgar really.
- Went on a walk around the park, saw the ducks and coots. Then went home and played Neverwinter Nights. I'm at chapter 2 of the main campaign with my Poppy file.
- Just made ramen again for dinner and now I'll get back to Neverwinter. Really hope I don't tire out on it before I get internet, because I can write forever really but need to give it a rest sometimes, and can't draw forever. Especially with wonky tablet situation.
Can you believe a week ago I was stuck in a motel wondering if anything would work out, with no connections? And now I'm doing okay enough that the dumb part of me is like 'ehh, with internet, this is enough.' No it's not! I gotta get on that job hunt soon and then make things, idk, nice. And not have such an aversion to cafes, man, I really want to have the budget for cafes to have an excuse to go out.
Tomorrow's Sunday, so church! Looking forward to the service and seeing everyone (and lunch afterwards). Not looking forward to waking up early, haha. But it's good to have a routine. I think my mission tomorrow will be cleaning supplies for the bathroom. How everyone reading is well.
7/06/2024: More Than Four Walls
Today I moved into my rental. Finally! It's been a whole week... feels a lot longer. Friends from church were very gracious and gave me some furniture and appliances they weren't using. Overall today has been pretty chill, having help setting everything up.
- Woke up and made the commute into the city again. After warming up yesterday it was nice and easy. Picked up my house keys and got to unpacking.
- A church elder came and lent me some blankets, pillows, chairs, and a table, and some towels too. So I have something to sleep on tonight. We stopped by a cafe and I had a chicken apricot panini with fries and a mocha. Being conscious of my spending, probably will be cutting back on the cafes from here on. Was really good though.
- Then we went shopping and bought a ton of basic housewares, like cutlery and that. It was fun with her helping me and we checked off pretty much everything that was on my list.
- Played a lot of Neverwinter Nights. I don't have internet yet, so I'm limited in what my computer can do... but it didn't break down! So I can use it more and maybe do some drawing or writing.
- Went grocery shopping to rectify the 'restaurants and eateries cost a lot!' problem. Made my dinner—just some ramen and mandarins and tea. It's not Michelin grade but it's what I can manage. I want to learn how to cook better over time hopefully.
- And now I'm writing my blog and going to go back to Neverwinter Nights.
Overall today has been pretty chill! It's weird, I have a proper home base now but it doesn't really feel like mine yet. I guess after I've lived in it for a while and set up with furniture and maybe even adornments. But it is nice to have a place to stay in. Part of me really wants a TV but shouldn't I be looking at jobs first? I don't even watch TV that much. But anyway.
Hope all who are reading are well. Tomorrow I'll see if the laundromat is open and that might be my quest. That and the library. Who knows. We'll see!
6/06/2024: Settling With The Commute
Today wound up being a little more active than I thought it'd be. I bought breakfast last night so no stopping by the cafe. Instead I went to town and did some logistical stuff, had a little breakdown, and steadied again.
- So I woke up to an email saying I needed to get on top of the mover's situation today and fill out some paperwork. I need a proper computer for that, so off to the library it is!
- Made the big commute into town from this more rural area. Don't think I'll need to do it super often but it feels good to get accustomed to it since it hits lots of towns in the area.
- Got some gas on the way. The car dealership man advised to use the more expensive gas, but I was still caught off guard by the price. I really need to get a job if I'm going to live properly.
- Did the paperwork and got the movers situation all sorted out. Then read for a tiny bit, was still anxious that I could've gotten something wrong. But in the end it was all good.
- Went to the art studio and drew for a bit. My first exposure to procreate on a screen tablet. My lines come out super wobbly on it but I might just be spoiled by SAI. I was able to get the knack of it eventually.
- Went back to my friend's and had some empty space time, where I started having a breakdown. Started wondering if this whole thing was a mistake and feeling like I had to run. Did some breathing techniques and that helped calm me down a lot. I think I have a lot of suppressed bad emotions that I don't know how to process or even identify sometimes. Writing was definitely my outlet for this but my relationship with it is awkward right now. And art, games... but I can't be doing these things all the time.
- Then went with my friend to a property viewing. I always like seeing people's houses, and empty ones for move in. I don't know why. Probably some formative memories from when my parents were renovating houses.
So that was my day today. Tomorrow is move in and if everything's gone right, I should have electricity! So I can charge my phone and blog off data! My internet is due on the 14th and my furniture should be here on Monday, so I'll have a week having to subsist off phone data. Hope it all goes well and hope all reading are well.
5/06/2024: Planning For Move-in
Today was a pretty laid back day where I mostly played on my phone. The dog stayed outside and I stayed inside, so there was no drama.
- Woke up and went to the local bakery to procure breakfast and lunch. Worry about my weight a bit with all these takeaways. Just a pie and fries and a sandwich, nothing special.
- Came back and did a bunch of phone calls to get my internet transferred, furniture moved, and internet set up. Still have to do a bit of work with the movers but I'll get to that on Friday.
- Simultaneously watched a ton of Sousou no Freiren. It's good, really good, but I wouldn't put it at the top of a best anime ever list. So far my favorite story in it was them fighting Aura and her cronies. The more laid back sentimental stuff doesn't hit me as hard.
- Then got some fish and chips for dinner and went back to watching Freiren. And now I'm writing my blog.
So a pretty uneventful, chilled out day. Tomorrow will probably be more of the same unless I figure out something to do with my time. Hope all goes well with the paperwork on Friday and all the transfers go smoothly...! The house needs Fibre installed for my internet plan, too. So that's more stuff to work on. Hope everyone reading is well!
4/06/2024: Thank God For Friends
I'm out of the motel and now situated at my friend's place for the rest of the week! And for the biggest news today... I got the rental! My move in date is this Friday, so I'll be staying here until then. That's one anxiety sorted, and a few new ones to deal with: getting my internet and electricity connected at the new place. Well it's another adventure.
- Woke up and played NWN for a bit until check out time. Still enjoying it! But probably won't touch it until Friday, too terrified of breaking my laptop.
- Then went to the library and read a bit. Played some chess with a stranger, got my rental sorted too!
- Then went to the local art studio and did some drawing. It's nice to have an environment to do that while I'm nervous about my computer, and with the community focus.
- Went to the park and saw ducks, swan family, fantails, waxeyes, and COOTS! The coots are really cool, they're like chickens but waterfowl.
- Made the drive to my friend's place and didn't get lost. Then made the drive out to another friend's place for a meet up, out in the middle of nowhere! Kind of scary but we did it and my friends helped me with great directions. We stopped for dinner at a really nice hotel too, fried chicken and chips. A very bougie kind of KFC.
- And now I'm here writing my blog.
Overall been a very big day! Mostly very exciting with a lot of big firsts, especially all the driving. The one thing I'm concerned about is that my friend has a dalmatian with some behavioral issues, but hopefully it won't be too bad and I'm only here for a couple nights. Hope everyone reading is well, and very grateful for the day.
3/06/2024: Home Security
Day 4 in the motel—and likely my last day, God willing. The friend I connected with yesterday is willing to host me for a while until I have my rental secured, and another person through the church runs a crisis accomodation centre and can put me up if it winds up taking too long. All things hoping, though, there'll be movement tomorrow and I'll get the property!
- Day started with a scare because I left my car lights on for a little while the night before, so took the car out for a drive. Worked totally fine, phew.
- Then had lunch with one of the people from church. This is when we got the accomodation sorted out for me. Also checked in with my doctors.
- Stopped by the park. They have an aviary, it's mostly sparrows, pigeons, and some ringnecks, but there's a single peacock in there who looks like the king of the aviary!
- Then played a lot of Neverwinter Nights. LOTR was on the TV, and I got a bit inspired. Playing a sorcerer, Poppy themed. Fun so far. Somehow not sick of this game, thank God.
- And now I'm going to have dinner and am writing my blog.
Bullet pointed, it doesn't look like much, but this was a pretty big day today! It's a lot of relief to have somewhere to go that isn't sucking so much money out of my pocket, and if all goes well I'll get the rental and can begin concentrating on that. Then comes the job hunt journey. Just a step at a time, going at it... but seriously when am I getting back into GoH? Surely it'll just click again. Surely. Hope all reading are well, and fingers crossed on the rental!
2/06/2024: New Church
Day 3 in the motel—feels both like it's been a short and a long stay. Very antsy now to get my rental, God willing, it'll be secure over next week. This feels like a pretty early blog, but eh! It's 2:40. Had at least half a day, right?
- So today I went to a new church, bumped into friends I didn't realise would be there. Hopefully this is a sign of things looking up and that I'll be able to make good connections! They have a meeting going on tonight, not sure if I'll go though. Not sure why I feel so hesitant???
- And then went with them to get food, went to a make-your-own donburi place. Was really good. Made me want to play Fallout New Vegas, too.
- Looked through a furniture store. Not sure if I should move my old furniture into the prospective rental or buy new. Not really looking forward to the costs of buying new. Not looking forward to mover's costs, either.
- And then came back to the motel. Thinking of doing a bit of clothes shopping so that I have more than one or two outfits, now that I have the space to be lugging things around a bit.
The feeling of waiting around is killing me a bit, but all the same it's not like I'm not doing things. I've been finally locked out of my old computer since its keyboard doesn't work and I can't remember its password. So now I'm relying wholly on my newer computer, which is breaking. I have my files on SDs and externals, the big ones, but man. I really do not wnt this computer to totally break. Fingers crossed?
Hope everyone reading is well. I'll probably head out and do some more stuff in town since I've filed away the big stuff I needed to do today.
1/06/2024: Hey Here's My Car
Day 2 of slumming it in motels, but it already feels like it's been longer. Pretty comfortable now that I got out of the very or off the way motel and bought... a car! Woohoo! Now I can get around town without stressing my feet so much. So a little intimidated by all the traffic in the town center, but it's a huge relief to have this freedom and extra storage space. I can finally hold more supplies than what fits in my backpack...! So what did I get up to?
- Woke up early for checkout, watched since TV. Cute program about a little family farm and then spinach farmers. Took a taxi to the car lot.
- Bought a car! I gave up just waiting for my old car to appear and materialize into my vicinity. So now I have this car. It's really smooth in the accelerating and decelerating, so I'll have to get used to that. Also I almost lost the keys right after driving it out of the lot, so my resolution is to never ever misplace the keys to this thing ever. Heart attack moment.
- Went to a cute busy little Cafe for lunch, had a croissant, was really good. The cafe had a bunch of posters for upcoming events. Will probably go to some of those. Then went and read for a bit at the library.
- Scoped local churches for tomorrow and grabbed dinner at the supermarket. Should probably branch out to better food than supermarket stuff? Just to get familiar with the area? But it was pretty good and I'm trying to be frugal... while buying cars...
- And now I'm in my motel watching TV and drawing and doing Flight Rising and stuff. Probably won't hear back on my rental situation until Tuesday.
And I was able to do my laundry here at the motel, which I'm happy for! So overall today went really well, less stressful than yesterday. Will probably be stressful again once the rental comes back into the picture, just really hope the property manager likes me. Tomorrow is Sunday so I hope to find a good church and start meeting people!! Hope everyone reading is doing well.
31/05/2024: Whole New World But Where's My Car?
I am officially living the motel life! No longer in respite, and instead terrified by how hard the lack of a car is hitting me. My feet have blisters. I think I'll go to a dealership tomorrow.
- Started today by leaving respite care and getting on a train to this new area. Truthfully pretty terrified, the fact I don't know the area at all really hit me as I had to traverse half its length to make a hospital appointment.
- Had a bit of a breakdown and serious doubts about this whole thing. I can always run back home, but... I really don't want to. Because of the long weekend, a lot of motels are booked out. The motel I'm in currently is so far from anything, too, but I'm scared of better located motels being booked out.
- Hospital provided me a care worker who was able to drive me around town and take me to the rental showing. The planned rental fell through, but the property manager showed me a different property and seemed to like me! I sent in my application, and have fingers crossed for a good response on Tuesday!
- Grieving a little over the long weekend. I think I need to get a car, but the holiday makes me anxious over how many places will be open. It also makes me stuck in motels until the work week starts up again.
- And now I'm writing my blog.
Currently anxious about getting the rental and the logistics of moving in, but happy for my care team, they've been great. Can barely believe I'm actually doing this. Really want my car. Hope all reading are well. Please pray for me, auugh.
30/05/2024: Countdown to Moveout
Another new day in respite... last of the week! I've got confirmation from my doctors that my care team will be transferred to another region, the place I'm looking to move to, and consequentially I'll be moving up there tomorrow. I'm not sure what my living arrangements wihell be up there, but am assuming I'll be living out of a motel until I'm able to get a rental secured. Terrified? Yeah, a little!
- As for today, though, my friends came over and we went Op-shopping. I bought some shoes that hopefully will leave a better impression on the landlord and keep my feet a bit warmer than what I have right now. We also went to a cafe, I got the best donut I've ever had. Really good stuff! So that went well! Woohoo!
- Had a pie for lunch.
- Did a little more reading of that fantasy romance book, enjoyed it a lot.
- Got back to the house and told everyone about the moving out situation. I think there were a lot of people who wanted to see me or didn't expect me to be leaving so quickly.
- Played a bit more Flight Rising. Still lagging on Paw Borough.
- Another Church friend wants to come over tonight, so we'll go out for dinner!
- Aaand then will be preparing for my odyssey tomorrow.
Really wish I had my car still! Also kinda hope my care team has a place I can stay up there instead of motels, or for this rental to go ahead really smoothly. It's also occurred to me I should really grab my CV and put it on my memory stick. Yeah, like that didn't pop into my head as an 'important file'. But I really can't be bothered with it right now. Will I regret this choice? Maybe. OR MAYBE NOT? Another day of indecision! Hope you're all well.
29/05/2024
Giving this 'daily blog' thing a crack. So what did I get up to today. It's my 6th? day in respite care. One of the other guests moved out last night. It's quieter now.
- Had a meeting with my doctors. I'm allowed full day leave now, woohoo! So I should be able to get to that rental viewing properly. Fingers crossed on actually getting the rental.
- Went to a cafe, had a BLT sandwich, tea, and fries. Not really normal for me to get a BLT? Whatever. Kind of unpretentious place but the food was pretty good, so no complaints there.
- Made arrangements to see a church friend tomorrow. Hope that goes well!
- Frantically went to preserve my SAI brush settings. Haven't actually got it set up, but at least I have all the blotmaps/brushmaps/textures and my specifications for them on file, if it winds up I have to set it up manually.
- Then came back to the respite house and played a bunch of Flight Rising. And will probably play more after this. Thought about reading a book but ultimately didn't, probably will tomorrow.
- Thought about Paw Borough a bit. They're doing their alpha and it's like the chance to get the super special Alpha player familiar, but I don't think I'll sign up for it. I know I'll regret this choice later, but eh.
- Oh yeah, and had to go through a 2FA nightmare last night making sure all my emails still worked. Got really close to being locked out of half my accounts, but things worked out in the end!
Really wish I had my car! Hope everyone reading is doing well. The minders here made a cake and it's sitting on the countertop being tempting, but I'll wait until after dinner, haha.
28/05/2024
Another Round of Crazy. So an update from Callieland. I had another episode recently&emdash;around the 22nd&emdash;that landed me back in the mental ward. The biggest grace is that at least my episodes apparently just make me weird and not dangerous, and hey, fingers crossed that stays true.
So I'm back on meds, Risperidone this time: hey, I don't feel dead yet! Totally ready for that to change at any moment but so far this is working better for me than the Aripiprazol.
After going through the ward, I've landed in respite care. That's where I am and where I'm writing from currently. It's basically a house with some minders who handle the maintence, medications, dinners, and make sure nobody wanders off outside of their mandated limits. I think I've been here 4 days. maybe 5.
So a thing that's been pressing on me is the weird urge to keep some kind of journal, or maybe, a blog, which is why I'm writing this all here for public gawking. I'm not fully committed to the idea yet, but it may be the case in the near future that YOU can have a wonderfully exciting day-by-day drama to follow of my everyday life. And there are some dramatic things going on.
For one, I'm making the weird, rash, and probably unreasonably impulsive decision to move out of town to an area I don't really know and have never properly lived in before, no plans, or car, basically homeless, no job lined up... but whatever! I'm sure it'll work out. And then things will settle and I can get back to the vitally important business of writing my story again.
I used to write in this sort of dreamstate. This broke down after taking the Aripiprazole. I'm still able to imagine and write, but man, it feels so much sharper and so much more like I need to be conscious of what I'm doing. That being said, I think some of the stuff I'm working on is great. I don't know. It's weird, I'm sad about it, I miss being able to wake up and just know that 'I'm going to work on GoH today' was like the long and short of my commitments, I want to keep that but also have more in my life. It's a weird balance of fear and disconcern with everything.
I'm a little bit floored by how much this story was and is apparently keeping my entire life, soul, well-being, mental state and so on together. The thing I disparage and wonder 'who even reads this except me and God?'. 'How is anyone meant to approach this,' 'wasn't this doing better when I was just doing roleplaying?', 'what makes this so important anyway?' so on and so forth. But I love it. I'm passionate for it. I guess I learned that the hard way. something that should be so obvious.
My daily blog ('daily' yet to be committed to):
- Woke up early today and went into town. I went to a pie shop/cafe, then read books at the library. I'm trying to get past a really bad mental block I have in regards to fiction depicting sinful material (like GoH). Okay I'll mention this now. There is some kind of internal voice guiding me claiming to be from Jesus that is literally telling me to chill out. I would not be chilling out without this voice. So I'm trying to do my apparently good work for God of chilling out and just enjoying a tense, dramatic, romantic modern fantasy book. It was pretty good too!
- Went to a cafe after that for lunch. Argentinian place. I don't even care if I'm giving too much detail in this, like look at my situation already. My first time eating empadas. I need to learn to have a better sense of taste or something. Everything feels like something working towards personal development and though I like that I also don't know how I feel about that. Well being frank I kinda need it.
- Went back to respite house. I feel a bit out of place here, and limited in what I can do. There's books, tv, some games, all that, but I don't really like being stuck with the other clients or restricted in my ability to go outside. Mostly I want to be working somewhere and doing GoH and getting out and going to church and making friends and everything.
- Was able to acquire my laptops and HD drives, which is how I'm writing this blog post. My main laptop with my most recent work on it is breaking and I am terrified of the day that it goes kaput. Was utterly crushed thinking I migrated my SAI2 files over only to realise I hadn't managed to preserve my custom brushes, settings, etc onto the external stick. So I'll have to give that another shot ideally before the laptop breaks down, but it breaks down every time I open it. I know (and the JESUS VOICE REASSURES) that the files are fine even if the laptop itself breaks and can be retrieved. Like yeah that makes sense but I'm still sad and wish I could just have my SAI configured properly ;-;
- Most important files should be alright though.
- As if SAI isn't important to me
- And now I'm here writing this blog. What will I do tonight? Who knows! Probably watch some anime.
Right, the TV here has Netflix and anime and stuff. Wow, have I explained that I really like anime? I've been watching Dr. Stone and its quality surprised me a little; I didn't expect Senku to be as cool of a character as he is. So I've been enjoying that. Yes this is part of my 'chill out' mission. For all of my sardonic attitude towards myself and my interests, my most loving God, kindest person in existence, likes it when I freakin' watch anime.
Have plans to go to a rental viewing this Friday and crossing my fingers I'll be able to get it. What else to add? Not sure. Days drag on but go so fast. Hope everyone reading is well.
PS: Had another heart attack thinking I almost lost my email account linked to the website and thus my link to various other websites. 2FA? NO SHUT UP I DON'T WANT IT I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW AAAAAAAAAAA things worked out I'm fine though.
15/03/2024
This is just a tiny blog to say that I finally experimented with SAI 2 and feel impelled to praise it for having everything I wanted that SAI didn't have, as well as all the good things from SAI 1. I really struggle experimenting with other art programs because SAI's line algorithm or pressure mapping or whatever it is is so good that it's spoiled me, and my output on other programs turns out super wonky. So if you're an artist dissatisfied with your current art program, or sick of being extorted by Adobe, consider SAI.
I have no social media to tweet this thought out to, so it winds up here on the blog.
11/02/2024
The site's been looking a little sad and neglected without any updates, so it feels like a fair enough time to write a blog post.
Point one: about my health. I'm off the drugs and doing better. There's still some curious stuff going on but it's more related to my (probably demon-harassed (not even joking)) condition than anything from the drugs.
Point two: about my writing. I'm in a weird spot with it right now. I've gone off and banged out more of Laws of Saturn over January, but now that it's come to editing it I'm really frosty and kinda intimidated to go back into my groove of writing. It's like I'm scared that I could trigger myself back into psychosis by getting too wrapped up (good nuance) in my writing. Again I'm literally not joking. But everything feels really boring when I'm not focused on some creative goal or project. I can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing something else that equates crucifying the flesh with a certain feeling of existential drudgery or if I'm being obliged to put my money where my mouth is on the whole 'crazy creative' thing.
A side-effect of this indecision is that I haven't been attending too much to this site or my hobbies. Like some purpose to life will drop out of the sky just because I keep asking for it and make some motion towards touching grass. But what if my God-ordained purpose is to watch pirated anime and tell you all to listen to Ere January Be Unwintered by An Embrace Of Angels, free album btw? I like that stuff, but is it even good? Is wanting to expose it to others good either? What else is there but bashing my head against 9-5 normie hell and pretending I'm not going to live like a rat, or literally (literally) staring up at the ceiling, in which case I might as well go die on the zombie drugs?
Something to see with time I guess.
Point three: I had an interesting dream last night. I want to note this down because it was distinctly something beyond what I 'could come up with'. To describe it really broadly, and vaguely since the specifics aren't too important and I've forgotten them, it was 'Good Homestuck'. Like Homestuck if it was written by an insane person, and as a result was ridiculously good.
When I say insane though I really mean like 'divine', because it was too good for a human to write it and hence I don't think my brain really came up with it. God? Demons? Idek. Felt like a gift though.
1/12/2023
So I should use this blog for some positive updates as well, right? Well I have some positive updates. I don't want to call my previous upsets dramatics or hysteria because it was genuine a very painful and distressing time, but completely randomly I've been able to get to sleep again (still on the Aripiprazole) and this has made it so much easier to get back into my usual groove. I'm not at 100% yet; I'm still often twitchy or tired on this medication, but I'm not feeling like I'm literally dying anymore, and do think I can eke out a little bit of creative juice.
Which means, I'm already writing again, because when I have any creative juice I apparently just can't stop myself. Yay.
So that 'resolved' (it's not resolved) a lot faster than I thought. I am, as always, grateful to God above all for the speedy improvement, and grateful also to the people who have given me kind messages of support through this time. I struggle to express my gratitude very fully, but it's very much there.
19/11/2023
The Endings of Gates of Heaven
With consideration to my present health issues, and because I've grown dissatisfied with the idea that I'll never write these endings and thus leave GoH in a terrible limbo state where every story written in it has this fundamentally negative core, I've decided to publicly reveal and establish the planned canon endings for Gates of Heaven. This doubles as a semi-official announcement that I won't be writing more GoH, at least not for a long time or in better circumstances.
LAWS OF SATURN
Laws of Saturn (LoS) is a longform story about Mephi during his 30-year adjustment period to Archonhood in Kitiven, before being cast out by Renard. I completed two chapters before falling ill, which I'll (ideally) finish recovering and upload soon. There are 8 chapters planned but only 2 completed.
Chapter 3: LETTER TO THE CHURCH (HEAD)
A small chapter framed as a church official, tasked with analysing Mephi's movements, behaviours, and slayings, writing to a local Abbot whose territory Mephi is edging near as encouragement that the Abbot shouldn't need to worry about Mephi. Mostly framed as a timeskip, with a long list of names of people Mephi has eaten lately and the purported sin why he claimed them; establishing that Mephi's prey are mostly extreme deviants or criminals, and that the church has become somewhat lax toward his presence because of this.
Chapter 4: FABLES I
'He gives the debtors what they're due, and repays evil maxes, all to bring woe to the man, who hasn't paid his taxes'.
A shorter chapter of various episodes of people having encounters with Mephi framed as moral aesops, with commentary given on the lesson to take away, chief ones being: you can't trick Mephi, even minor sins are weighed heavily, you can't cheat Mephi, Mephi does have a level of mercy and decent judgement in who he hunts, and a final one that makes the commentator uncomfortable because the victim is a corrupt Bishop. The commentator refrains to say it, but the lesson is that not even the Church is safe from Mephi.
Chapter 5: FABLES II
A shorter chapter of various episodes of people having encounters with Mephi framed as first-person eyewitness events. Includes things like Mephi saving the life of a sweet woman who gets stuck in an abandoned mine, hunting an actor the second he steps offstage once the play he's starring in ends, saving a palatine from a nasty ghoul, and being spotted relaxing in a weird form out in the wilds. Overall has the implication of Mephi being a positive, if uncontrollable, force for everyday civilians, and establishing himself as a figure people 'know' in the community just by being around and active.
Chapter 6: LETTER TO THE CHURCH (BODY)
A small chapter framed as a church official giving out invitations to the whole of the Church to come to Amsherrat for the anointing of a new Pontifex-to-be; a Pontifex Candidate who is being locked in as the next heir come the present Pontifex's retirement (which has pretty much already happened). This invitation is also extended to Mephi, for him to formally attend.
Chapter 7: INIMINICABLE
A longer chapter from Mephi's PoV. Grown more comfortable with his place in 'society' as a weird creature thing on its outskirts, and with a rather stable and weirdly amicable relationship with the Church, Mephi gets sick of his predatory nature and decides he needs to make a serious effort to change himself. He decides the best way to do this is to try making friends. He broadly fails, (reaching out to questionable places like random nighttime palatines he's seen around, garbagemen, a troubled uni student) but indications are given that he might be able to get it right since he is seriously trying.
Parallel to all of this, the anointing of the new Pontifex is happening and there's much activity in the Church. Mephi knows the new Pontifex is illegitimate and that he's going to be his next hunt, and knows this will destroy his relationship with the Church; rather, he's looking forward to the drama that he's about to cause and hates how excited he is to rile up so much chaos. He is not able, nor does he really try, to temper himself and the slaying is extremely messy and public as the to-be-Pontifex is crowned within the temple with everybody watching.
The presiding Pontifex acknowledges and rewards Mephi for it with a moment of peaceful silence, but the rest of the Church is scandalised and their amicability flips into terror towards Mephi. Awareness comes to the Church that Mephi needs to be reigned in.
Madjea from chapter 2 is also present in chapter 7 (and much older than Mephi now). The two reconnect, and though it's brief, Mephi feels some rue for destroying his Church ties because he realises he truly likes and would like to reach out to Madjea.
Chapter 8: ENFABLED
A longer chapter from Mephi's PoV. A timeskip has happened since Iniminicable and Mephi is fully sick of himself for his chaotic, sadistic, predatory behaviour. He wants to genuinely change and will do this through fasting. He runs to the Abbot of the region he's in for help and guidance, and is given allowance to do certain charity work as a volunteer, making good on the offer that Madjea gave him decades before.
Mephi is astonished as he realises it's actually working and that the regimented charity work is counteracting his hunger -- slightly. The fasting is still agonizing but he realises he can stretch it out, longer and longer and that there's serious hope for him to get out of it. The positivity of this junction is so great for him he doesn't even get cynical or self-punishing about it, he's just happy to realise he's finally on the way out of so much darkness.
A girl then approaches him, trying to worship him and thanking him for killing her rapist. She and several others belong to a cult that venerates Mephi for his killings of evil people, often their own abusers, and though not really aware he's trying to put that behind him, they don't want him to change and think the Church is abusing him. Their influence leads Mephi to a mental breakdown and he degenerates back to running and isolation to try and avoid them; the Church simultaneously offers Mephi a position as a judge of sinners that they throw into a pit where he's to live, a prospect Mephi despises. Mephi breaks from the Church again and from society in general, and given that he has now refused the Church's last diplomatic option for him, he is put in position for Renard to come in.
TRIVIA'S NARRATIVE
A very low-key narrative. Trivia's narrative is a romance with the tension between whether Trivia chooses Mephi or Swift. She is not romantically interested in Mephi, but has a strange bond with him due to their close early relationship and she does regard him as her father figure. There is a strange slant in Trivia due to Mephi's influence towards doom and melancholy, and her love of Mephi does slant her in a suicidal fashion to be near to him and inevitably one day be eaten by him. She overcomes this inclination by choosing Swift instead, though it takes a lot for her to understand what Swift really is, who he is, and what he really means for her--life.
The Shevra Baht member who leads the hunt against Trivia is Swift's little sister, because that's fun and she wants to redeem the family name from Swift's tomfoolery.
CAMILLE'S NARRATIVE
Camille is a Christian. This happens in the middle of act 2; Camille realises the only way out of the solipsistic hell-world of Aurholm he's accidentally made for himself is to call, pray, and trust on Jesus Christ. He is extremely quiet and low-key about the truth of this, but during all his time sitting in his tower, he is trying to be a better Christian such as to be recognized and receive salvation out of Aurholm. This is hard for him since he only sees the Archons as 'real' people and he is, again, stuck in a tower. He has the world's single copy of the Bible and it's the only object too pure for him to handle comfortably, so he also has a long-term project of trying to understand it thoroughly.
Camille's narrative is nuts and I may return to post more of my draft notes for it. But the biggest thing with it is that Camille is quietly trying to get saved by Jesus out of Aurholm and is extremely reluctant to tell people about it.
ASTER'S NARRATIVE
Aster only uses her powers when forced (killed), at a dead end, and in a way called 'wipes'. Each death for her is a 'wipe'. She doesn't jump around timelines within a wipe. She is terrified that doing that means, in a way, killing everyone in the timeline she leaves behind, so the guilt is too strong for her to become that frivolous with her powers.
She figures out the Lisbet Issue a lot faster than implied on her profile. She solves it on the first wipe where she meets Zachary thanks to him using his Archon powers to bind a mechanism to Pleroma that assures the Lisbet-breaks-everything-thing stops happening, which persists across timelines. In the process of this, Aster and Zachary become queen and king of the world (Aurholm) and establish a ton of universal mechanics that make the world into this weird messed-up paradise; particularly, Zachary is able to make pain into something pleasurable. This corrupts the world utterly. Zachary realises what he's done once he realises his own behaviour is becoming totally corrupt and sadistic, and this leads to him breaking his soul link with Aster and resetting the wipe. Trivia was witness to all of this and supports Zachary's desire to try something else (she didn't mind the corrupt paradise in itself; Camille however did).
Aster is furious that Zachary threw away paradise but also admires him because she knows she corrupted him. I'm not sure where she stands on him during Paean but she is opposed to Trivia, who is trying to help and protect Zachary, especially from a very erratic Aster who is actually thinking about using her powers for once.
Once someone becomes an Archon in any wipe, it's inevitable they will always be an Archon. If circumstances don't align for them to become an Archon, which requires active effort to stop, the world just dissolves and the wipe ends; so Poppy and Zachary are always locked in as Archons, no matter what Aster wants. (She is super paranoid about too much time travel opening up more opportunities for Archons in the century between them).
POPPY'S NARRATIVE
Not too much different from the profile, but Poppy is in a position of higher agency due to being neurally linked to a VR communications system; so she can still interact with people while locked-in. The CCOB is a system where everyone's bank accounts are digital and their money is provided directly from the government, and can be deducted or added for any arbitrary reason Poppy (or her subordinates) decides is suitable; essentially trying to use this as a mechanism to manipulate people's behaviour. Poppy genuinely wants people to be 'better people' and just has a twisted idea of how to achieve this, but her subordinates are sociopaths who enjoy exploiting it. Poppy is in denial for much of her narrative but eventually realises what's gone wrong and greatly regrets what she's done; by the end, she's genuinely a rather good person and trying hard to rip the system down or at least modulate it into a form that works.
Poppy's massive shift of perspective about herself doesn't come from witnessing slaves being beaten, though that still happens and still horrifies her, it's that she accidentally bullies a friend into suicide and is shocked with the revelation that her personality, and sense of humour, is actually that dangerous/cruel. She doesn't like it and decides to lean harder into being nice, or good. Her overall behaviour and personality as an Archon is nicer than it appears from her profile, though all the profile information is still correct.
ZACHARY'S NARRATIVE (PAEAN)
Zach's narrative is the one that brings all the stories together; despite that, it's principally about Zachary, and principally about Zachary's journey in learning how to be a Christian. Part of that is choosing spiritual life over physical death. It's never stated in such overt terms, at least not in the beginning, but Zachary's lessons from Camille truly have been about training Zachary in being Christian, and though Zachary's going AWOL has disrupted Camille's hopes, Camille has been trying to raise Zachary to be someone who might be able to defeat Aurholm, and especially Camellia.
Camille recognizes that he is too weak to do anything to really fix Aurholm, and that he needs Camellia's power and competence to do anything. (Lisbet's ideas have percolated into his subconscious). But he doesn't trust Camellia, if he cedes his ego back into Camellia's, to do anything except keep playing in Aurholm and keep being completely delusional. Camille needs somebody who can defeat Camellia. He doesn't think consciously, 'that'll be Zachary,' but he does think Zachary is a good enough boy that he wants to introduce the idea to him once he's older.
Zachary matures over Paean, quicker than Camille thinks, into a person who defeats Camellia. After his long journey, he returns to Amsherrat's temple and simply looks at Camille. Camille understands the bout accusation and cedes to Camellia. Camellia simply looks at Zachary, realises Zachary has become greater than him, and forfeits the bout, defeated, by ceding himself back down into Camille; but with all Camellia's powers and competencies, just Camille's ego instead, because Camellia has ceded that Camille is the superior iteration. Rather, the iteration he needs to be to grow and do any good in the world at present. That's the first time anybody defeats Camellia in a legitimate bout.
(Lisbet's present too for this).
An event then happens that I call the Reckoning, which is the destruction of Aurholm and reestablishment of a new world with ties to Pleroma. There is a stark good/evil divide between Heaven and Hell in the new world, as well as the divide between the spiritual and physical world; and a level of persistent gradation between the good and evil. So there's like the 90% good level, the 89.58495% good level, the 55% good level, the 45% good level (which would be a hell), etc, in infinite degrees. Spirits can travel between these gradations but are only really comfortable at the level they resonate at; ie, a 45% good spirit would be most comfortable at the 45% good level, which is a hell. Physical earth still exists and people are born, live, and die there every day.
AURHOLM
Aurholm is destroyed in the Reckoning. The new world has no elements of Aurholm; the spiritual world does retain a few environments of Aurholm. Kitiven, Palida, Miulu, and Ordanz are all destroyed. Phoenix is able to save Asphodel and bring Asphodel into Pleroma as a city in Heaven, with a physical counterpart as a city on earth.
The inhabitants of Aurholm, all who ever existed, are given the option to be brought into the gradation system of the new world as spirits, or be incorporated back into Camille. Those who refuse Camille are individuated as themselves, similar to how Archons are though without their problems or powers. Those who accept Camille still exist, just subsumed into Camille. Everyone knows whether they'd be going to Heaven or Hell; Camille is a Heaven portal. They stay at their gradation levels.
The Archons are all already individuated. They gain the ability to travel and comfortably adapt across gradation levels; this is their defining feature, that they have 'good' manifestations, 'neutral' manifestations, and 'evil' manifestations (their existing Archon manifestation), with the good manifestations being uniformly stronger than their other manifestations, uniformly more powerful, more good, more wise, and more of everything positive valent in them. The neutral and above manifestations don't hurt them at all. They, and all spirits, are subject to the authority of God through Jesus Christ and are often off doing missions across the heavens and earth.
All the Archons get to Heaven. 98% of Aurholm gets to Heaven. The remainder are those in sin who rejected Camille.
CAMELLIA/CAMILLE
These two are integrated as the same entity; Camellia is Camille's 'extremely good' manifestation and mostly hangs out with God doing things I don't know and Camille doesn't even really know. Camille is a spirit mostly in charge of raising and caring for dead or aborted children and orphans in Heaven. There is also a process of learning and growth, maturation proceeding with Camille.
VERTICILLASTER
Has been chilling this whole time and is an angel not quite at 'hanging with God' level, but very much up there. Finds it SO typical that Camellia is that level.
MIQUIR
Is integrated into creation in a way where he's not using his powers outside of God's command. Becomes far less robotic.
ARSENE
Is not redeemed. Arsene remains a Kenoma avatar and remains extremely evil and obsessed with Camellia; however, he is legitimised by Zachary and given the charge (with support from Camellia) to corrupt the world as hard as he can. This mission overjoys Arsene, who is now extremely happy to be doing what he's doing. The forces of Heaven oppose this corruption and this is the fundamental conflict, or lynchpin of existence; the push and pull between Arsene and Zachary, or rather between Kenoma and Pleroma.
RENARD
Gains the ability to manifest as a human again. Neutral manifestation can manifest as other weapons too. Nature is not pyrite and iron, but gold and blazing-hot platinum.
MEPHI
Mephi's nature changes even before the Reckoning; during Paean, he's able to reverse his powerset into not a black hole, but a charitable nexus that survives by effusing and giving to others. These charities gestate in him when he is regarded with kindness or genuine love, then spring out of him. He can flip back into black hole mode but typically won't. The souls he consumed are effused and reborn without their sins. He cannot shapeshift or use magic when in charity mode, but he does become a powerful prayer warrior ala Madjea, which is stronger.
PHOENIX
A second sun rises at night and the fires that burn him become blue, holy fires that do not hurt him. Phoenix finally learns how to do politics and destroys all Aquila's stupid plotting by subjecting the whole nation of Asphodel to God, which saves it and automatically individuates all its citizens into Heaven. He remains a prince of Asphodel in Heaven and a patron of princehood and good rulership when ministering on lower levels.
AQUILA
Aquila is one of the 2% from Aurholm that decides to go to hell. Phoenix and Jacklyn spend many years trying to get him to climb out of there, with Lisbet ultimately being successful in getting him a patron spirit position over a significant country, which eases him massively into being more obedient toward God. Prior to the Reckoning he almost destroyed things with his stupid fixation with overly advanced worldbreaking technology and battelust to slap God around. Aquila is the second sun of Asphodel.
JACKLYN
Has a body in the spirit which is male in higher inclinations and can manifest as female in lower inclinations. Very high-level spirit of kindness, fidelity, bonds, and friendship; very active ministering on earth but reigned in properly by God. Spends a lot of time also just hanging out with his friends up in Heaven, and Jayden.
JAYDEN
Made it to Heaven during the Reckoning on her own merits. She's Zachary's mom; not an Archon, regular heaven spirit. Which means things are great for her. Spends a lot of time with Jacklyn though.
TRIVIA
Interesting case where her job is to literally do whatever she wants on whatever gradation she wants in what ever place she wants for as long as she wants, she can't get it wrong; spirit of freedom and breaking of chains. Still has a very intimate relationship with Swift, and her highest inclinations are ones where she's with Swift. Also still babies Camille a lot.
SWIFT
Made it to Heaven during the Reckoning on his own merits. Heaven spirit of humour, entertainment, jokes, and laughter, which means things are great for him. Spends some time with Trivia whenever she swoops by.
LISBET
Lisbet hated Zachary's solution to Aurholm and doesn't like that evil and pain still exist; she is an Archon and heaven spirit, but spends most of her time in Hell in her evil incarnation (base Archon form) trying to get people out of hell. And succeeds a lot, but is chiefly mad about Arsene and thinks better could be done for Arsene. Wards are on her so that she'll never actually get to him though that only God can break. When she goes up to her higher inclinations, she quickly becomes mad at Zachary and falls again--the 'Lisbet problem' is one of those things going on in the background of this new world, though the only 'problem' with it is that Lisbet needs to learn to mature a little.
ASTER
Aster is doing a lot better; a spirit that introduces variance into the environment by weaving whether a quark goes left or right, within the instruction/limitations of God, effectively a spirit of free will and RNG. Still rather intimate with Zachary because of that aspect, but not in a husband/wife way anymore. In her lower inclinations, she's a minister for children, child warriors, and those who need to be brave through terrifying circumstances. She's very kind and protective, and prevents things from being abandoned in the first place.
POPPY
Has a body in the spirit and inhabits Heaven; isn't limited by her dream realm and can exist outside it without waking up or dying. Or dying when she wakes up. Extremely kind in her high inclinations as a spirit of creativity, art, friendship, and love, who thrives when inspiring others with ways to make their creative ideas work. She's very competent at it too at these inclinations. The controlling streak only shows up in low inclinations; in high ones, it's leadership.
ZACHARY
Zachary is a Saint and a servant of Jesus Christ. His primary ministry is to help raise those who are pursuing Heaven through the 'right' path -- charity, love, service to others and to god, honesty, faithfulness, fidelity, and so on, the legitimate means to heaven, by actively teaching them and picking them up when they fall, or helping them subsist through situations where they're in danger. He also directly opposes and fights Arsene, and counters corruption through presenting the Word of the Gospel in speech or in practical observable action. His secondary ministry is to slap those who are pursuing Heaven through the 'left' path, those who exploit others and are cheating to put themselves in control of heavenly things, which dumps them back down to hell to be lifted up again from the beginning or to be ministered by Lisbet.
Zachary has higher manifestations than these, but I don't know them--I just know they're great. He's one of those 'can hang out with God' people, but he doesn't do it as much as Camellia. He hangs out with Camille a lot though and is only in pain when he wants to be in pain.
Zachary won the Reckoning and structured this blueprint in the way that it is because he adores free will, which reversed the founding sin of Aurholm and counters Lisbet's error -- the securing of peace at the cost of free will. Gates of Heaven is a story fundamentally with this thesis statement: peace is not worth it without free will, but circumstances can be much better than people think. Free will necessarily gives rise to sin and cruelty, for various reasons: pain relief, misguided attempts at personal development, sometimes simply 'fun'. There is a love some people can have towards sin that will fundamentally block them from accessing better things, and bring pain to those around them. I am trying to say with this story that people don't need to stay like that, and don't need to stay in abusive relationships with their sins; there can be better, and it's best to try and reach for that better. Even if it seems inaccessible. Obviously, this is a Christian story, and ultimately where I want to point is the Bible. So continue from there...
I have more to say on this, but will leave it here for today.
18/11/2023
So here's a fun thing about the dopamine D2 receptor. Once you sensitise it, it doesn't desensitise.
In short terms, I may have accidentally made it literally impossible for me to sleep without sleeping aids. I'm less destroyed by this thought than I should be either because the implications haven't hit yet or I've already accepted this is my life now, or the remainder of it. I figure life will be pretty short in a world where the sleep aids stop working.
Does this shake my faith in God? Weirdly no. I love Him so much. But this is the current state of things, to be confirmed, or disconfirmed, or just further investigated. There's some random projects I should really finish up and post somewhere in respect to this.
11/11/2023
So this blog is two things, a thanksgiving testimony and a PSA. To start, a PSA.
NEVER GO ON ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ESPECIALLY ONE CALLED ABILIFY/ARIPRIPRAZOLE. This substance was literally killing me.
And the more important part:
GOD IS REAL AND HE IS THE ONLY REASON I'M NOT DEAD FROM ARIPRIPRAZOLE. I went to a Christian healing room and quite literally came out alive again after being turned into this horrible hell-zombie state where everything was awful and I couldn't think, sit down, feel, rest, do anything, oh yeah or SLEEP. I have yet to sleep tonight but I simply feel so much better after a session of prayer and deliverance in the Holy Spirit by experienced prayer warriors that it's night and day. Something HAPPENED. Tangibly happened. That just wiped the oppressive fatigue and all the rest of it off of me.
And for that I have so much thanks, so much love, and so much praise that God truly is a loving God who wants to help and heal His children. My perception of God has been twisted around in uncharitable ways that make me forget that the root of God is always love, a paternal love that is personal towards everyone, even towards every sinner, waiting for them to repent and return to Him. I need to get more invested with God and find out more about Him through meeting more serious Christians, and more Christians in general, in these ministries because they are Saints overflowing with this clear tangible positive power. And I want to be at least a little like that. And be someone God can use to do something like that for others, though the prospect of matching up to their fervency is intimidating.
Still very tired but replenished and hopeful to get some sleep tonight. Praise the Lord.
(Morning update: Took some Zopiclone for sleep and got a good full night. Next mission is figuring out how to sleep without sleep aids. Feeling much better and again going to need help from the Lord I'm sure. I love him.)
7/11/2023
So this will be a doozy. I'm finally at the point in my tether where I feel cornered enough to make a blog post, and bare my heart to online onlookers, which I'm beginning to think is something I should've been doing more from a long time ago.
How to begin with this? For the past month and a bit, I've either been schizophrenic, tormented by demons, or both, with fixations around the possibility of being a 'prophet'. I've been hearing voices, which are not external sounding voices so much as internal sounding voices, and they've convinced me several times to play along with, or do, things that in retrospect I can say are insane but at the time were extremely convincing. I deleted Gates of Heaven not quite at the behest of these voices (rather just before they became very overt), restored it, deleted it, restored it — I'm settled on keeping it safe but I am terrified that I've already done something unforgivable in ever deleting it at all.
Then are the real crazy things, the rituals, rubbing my face against a tree for an hour straight in the middle of the night because that was a 'portal to heaven' and I'd be a super-angel once I zooped over there because I was getting an Elijah blessing and would never die... yeah when I write it out I know how awful it sounds. Hearing voices of my characters claiming they were all actually real and that they were saving and/or destroying the world and hated and/or loved me because their powersets were too strong and stories were too painful, also, everything fictional is real and awful... that one messed me up and sent me to a mental ward for a little less than a week, a timespan that I can only call a miracle for how ferally I was behaving.
There's one unforgivable sin, and it's blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I don't know if I ever really knew the Holy Spirit, but I know that He's real; in the past couple weeks, I've felt him for sure when interacting with truly faithful Christians in ministry who were praying for me. So I am begging for this to be an indication that He does have His regard for me and truly is helping me despite everything I've done and the doubtless missteps I've made in trying to navigate this insanity. I'm looking for doctors, I'm looking even more for exorcists. I haven't been able to sleep for more than a couple hours a time every night. It's horrific and the most horrific part is simply never being sure if what I'm doing is right or not; because even though they're liars, demons know the spiritual world and the gospel more than me.
These voices tell me random things about people, places, everything, that to me sound so compelling but also so wrong for how much they tend to cohere to my preconceived notions. I wonder if I'm experiencing to a degree what it's like for people who I will admit I have looked down upon unfairly; people with urges, people stuck with delusions, people who have strong emotional impulses. I feel I suddenly understand how all of that can happen. Suddenly I also feel I love, or can love, this demographic a lot more.
Another thing I'm afraid about is a certain prophet I've been following. I've seen her prophecies come true, so that's an indication that she's legitimate. But equally I wonder if a fixation with her is how this entire thing started for me and whether I should distance myself from her. If she is legitimate, I am horrified at the thought of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit by distancing from her. But if she is how this started for me, then I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get out of this without taking such distance.
Part of why I'm insistent that it's demons and not just psychosis is because there are physical elements to all this; screaming during prayer, burping, feelings of heat... so on.
All this said, it's also important to give thanks to God in all things and praise God at all times, even or especially through hardships. I am. I'm begging for that acknowledgement; I'm grateful for my mother and her support, I thank God for giving me her, I'm thankful for my resources that are cushioning me through this, I'm thankful for a sympathetic Church community, and I'm thankful for every good thing that I have, my cat, my home, my country, everything. I'm thankful for getting out of the mental ward quickly, though I also wish to have more thorough talks with the psychologists. I praise God for his might in being able to do all of this and frankly for humbling me when I often treated so much of this stuff like a game or a diversion from boredom, despite my sympathy; it is awful. I praise God for making me just care more about people. I praise God too because I know he's Love, and even if it is horrific right now, outside of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, I am sure that the ultimate resolution of this predicament will be a loving one. I know God the Father is just and punishes the sinners; but I know Jesus the Son is forgiving and raises them back up.
Quite literally the only thing I feel I can do is rely on God, or Jesus, or the Spirit, to catch me. I don't think I can get out of this on my own.
18/01/2023
I don't usually write my thoughts down in anything much less in blogs, but it felt obligatory to have one, so here it is. Remains to be seen if I'll use it.
I suppose you start one of these by saying what you've been up to. I've been planning for a trip to OHKN later this year. Arrangements probably won't be finalised for a while but I think progress right now is good.
Went on a bushwalk up to the dam, it was really nice. It used to be a water source for the region up until the 50s, and it has this cool, smooth waterfall that streams down through the rest of the bush. You can see the piping and stuff poking out from under the soil along the track. There's this one spot that's a dropoff to some boulders. They were probably carved out and dumped there by people when they were building the track.
There were swing bridges and I saw a couple fantails! They were a little different from normal ones, more brown around the head, but really cute when they chirped, like, 'beep beep'. Kinda like a goldfinch but more woodcock-y and less melodic. They were probably babies.
The top of it was beautiful. It's basically this smooth, flat lake that has a gentle flow down the waterfall. I took some photos. There were ducks living there! Just normal mallards and grey hybrids. The mountains behind contrast the flatness of the lake and make this vista. You can see the atmosphere occluding the further mountains more than the nearer ones too. And the lake was glittering like diamonds, it's cliche but it really is like that, it's from these pinpricks on the crests that act like the borders of the facets.
The day before that I fed the ducks. I got one of them to eat from my hand and it stepped on my foot so I felt it; their bills are rather tough and clacky, their bodies are firm but soft, and their feet are soft. They are so cute. One of them has a hurt wing, I noticed it a couple weeks ago but it seems to be doing ok. The only predators around are housecats and there's a ton of canadian geese also living in the area, so cats probably wouldn't bother with the ducks.
That's a pretty good blog I think! Sometimes I think writing things down makes them easier to recall, but harder to remember. Like if I put the sentiments down I'll only know them second-hand. That's the logic of why people vent, to get the feelings out. But people who vent a lot are usually angry again quickly so maybe it's just endogenous. Hurf hurf.
Or to be one of those people who does things explicitly to write about them in blogs. In some ways sounds like good motivation but I think talking about things detracts from them a bit. Sometimes things are presents, and it's for you, and you can only give them on to a person who's actually standing there. But even then what they'll see will be different things from you. Going out and about while thinking about an audience sounds really terrible. There's really only one person I'd like to think of that way.