The Blog
15/03/2024
This is just a tiny blog to say that I finally experimented with SAI 2 and feel impelled to praise it for having everything I wanted that SAI didn't have, as well as all the good things from SAI 1. I really struggle experimenting with other art programs because SAI's line algorithm or pressure mapping or whatever it is is so good that it's spoiled me, and my output on other programs turns out super wonky. So if you're an artist dissatisfied with your current art program, or sick of being extorted by Adobe, consider SAI.
I have no social media to tweet this thought out to, so it winds up here on the blog.
11/02/2024
The site's been looking a little sad and neglected without any updates, so it feels like a fair enough time to write a blog post.
Point one: about my health. I'm off the drugs and doing better. There's still some curious stuff going on but it's more related to my (probably demon-harassed (not even joking)) condition than anything from the drugs.
Point two: about my writing. I'm in a weird spot with it right now. I've gone off and banged out more of Laws of Saturn over January, but now that it's come to editing it I'm really frosty and kinda intimidated to go back into my groove of writing. It's like I'm scared that I could trigger myself back into psychosis by getting too wrapped up (good nuance) in my writing. Again I'm literally not joking. But everything feels really boring when I'm not focused on some creative goal or project. I can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing something else that equates crucifying the flesh with a certain feeling of existential drudgery or if I'm being obliged to put my money where my mouth is on the whole 'crazy creative' thing.
A side-effect of this indecision is that I haven't been attending too much to this site or my hobbies. Like some purpose to life will drop out of the sky just because I keep asking for it and make some motion towards touching grass. But what if my God-ordained purpose is to watch pirated anime and tell you all to listen to Ere January Be Unwintered by An Embrace Of Angels, free album btw? I like that stuff, but is it even good? Is wanting to expose it to others good either? What else is there but bashing my head against 9-5 normie hell and pretending I'm not going to live like a rat, or literally (literally) staring up at the ceiling, in which case I might as well go die on the zombie drugs?
Something to see with time I guess.
Point three: I had an interesting dream last night. I want to note this down because it was distinctly something beyond what I 'could come up with'. To describe it really broadly, and vaguely since the specifics aren't too important and I've forgotten them, it was 'Good Homestuck'. Like Homestuck if it was written by an insane person, and as a result was ridiculously good.
When I say insane though I really mean like 'divine', because it was too good for a human to write it and hence I don't think my brain really came up with it. God? Demons? Idek. Felt like a gift though.
1/12/2023
So I should use this blog for some positive updates as well, right? Well I have some positive updates. I don't want to call my previous upsets dramatics or hysteria because it was genuine a very painful and distressing time, but completely randomly I've been able to get to sleep again (still on the Aripiprazole) and this has made it so much easier to get back into my usual groove. I'm not at 100% yet; I'm still often twitchy or tired on this medication, but I'm not feeling like I'm literally dying anymore, and do think I can eke out a little bit of creative juice.
Which means, I'm already writing again, because when I have any creative juice I apparently just can't stop myself. Yay.
So that 'resolved' (it's not resolved) a lot faster than I thought. I am, as always, grateful to God above all for the speedy improvement, and grateful also to the people who have given me kind messages of support through this time. I struggle to express my gratitude very fully, but it's very much there.
19/11/2023
The Endings of Gates of Heaven
With consideration to my present health issues, and because I've grown dissatisfied with the idea that I'll never write these endings and thus leave GoH in a terrible limbo state where every story written in it has this fundamentally negative core, I've decided to publicly reveal and establish the planned canon endings for Gates of Heaven. This doubles as a semi-official announcement that I won't be writing more GoH, at least not for a long time or in better circumstances.
LAWS OF SATURN
Laws of Saturn (LoS) is a longform story about Mephi during his 30-year adjustment period to Archonhood in Kitiven, before being cast out by Renard. I completed two chapters before falling ill, which I'll (ideally) finish recovering and upload soon. There are 8 chapters planned but only 2 completed.
Chapter 3: LETTER TO THE CHURCH (HEAD)
A small chapter framed as a church official, tasked with analysing Mephi's movements, behaviours, and slayings, writing to a local Abbot whose territory Mephi is edging near as encouragement that the Abbot shouldn't need to worry about Mephi. Mostly framed as a timeskip, with a long list of names of people Mephi has eaten lately and the purported sin why he claimed them; establishing that Mephi's prey are mostly extreme deviants or criminals, and that the church has become somewhat lax toward his presence because of this.
Chapter 4: FABLES I
'He gives the debtors what they're due, and repays evil maxes, all to bring woe to the man, who hasn't paid his taxes'.
A shorter chapter of various episodes of people having encounters with Mephi framed as moral aesops, with commentary given on the lesson to take away, chief ones being: you can't trick Mephi, even minor sins are weighed heavily, you can't cheat Mephi, Mephi does have a level of mercy and decent judgement in who he hunts, and a final one that makes the commentator uncomfortable because the victim is a corrupt Bishop. The commentator refrains to say it, but the lesson is that not even the Church is safe from Mephi.
Chapter 5: FABLES II
A shorter chapter of various episodes of people having encounters with Mephi framed as first-person eyewitness events. Includes things like Mephi saving the life of a sweet woman who gets stuck in an abandoned mine, hunting an actor the second he steps offstage once the play he's starring in ends, saving a palatine from a nasty ghoul, and being spotted relaxing in a weird form out in the wilds. Overall has the implication of Mephi being a positive, if uncontrollable, force for everyday civilians, and establishing himself as a figure people 'know' in the community just by being around and active.
Chapter 6: LETTER TO THE CHURCH (BODY)
A small chapter framed as a church official giving out invitations to the whole of the Church to come to Amsherrat for the anointing of a new Pontifex-to-be; a Pontifex Candidate who is being locked in as the next heir come the present Pontifex's retirement (which has pretty much already happened). This invitation is also extended to Mephi, for him to formally attend.
Chapter 7: INIMINICABLE
A longer chapter from Mephi's PoV. Grown more comfortable with his place in 'society' as a weird creature thing on its outskirts, and with a rather stable and weirdly amicable relationship with the Church, Mephi gets sick of his predatory nature and decides he needs to make a serious effort to change himself. He decides the best way to do this is to try making friends. He broadly fails, (reaching out to questionable places like random nighttime palatines he's seen around, garbagemen, a troubled uni student) but indications are given that he might be able to get it right since he is seriously trying.
Parallel to all of this, the anointing of the new Pontifex is happening and there's much activity in the Church. Mephi knows the new Pontifex is illegitimate and that he's going to be his next hunt, and knows this will destroy his relationship with the Church; rather, he's looking forward to the drama that he's about to cause and hates how excited he is to rile up so much chaos. He is not able, nor does he really try, to temper himself and the slaying is extremely messy and public as the to-be-Pontifex is crowned within the temple with everybody watching.
The presiding Pontifex acknowledges and rewards Mephi for it with a moment of peaceful silence, but the rest of the Church is scandalised and their amicability flips into terror towards Mephi. Awareness comes to the Church that Mephi needs to be reigned in.
Madjea from chapter 2 is also present in chapter 7 (and much older than Mephi now). The two reconnect, and though it's brief, Mephi feels some rue for destroying his Church ties because he realises he truly likes and would like to reach out to Madjea.
Chapter 8: ENFABLED
A longer chapter from Mephi's PoV. A timeskip has happened since Iniminicable and Mephi is fully sick of himself for his chaotic, sadistic, predatory behaviour. He wants to genuinely change and will do this through fasting. He runs to the Abbot of the region he's in for help and guidance, and is given allowance to do certain charity work as a volunteer, making good on the offer that Madjea gave him decades before.
Mephi is astonished as he realises it's actually working and that the regimented charity work is counteracting his hunger -- slightly. The fasting is still agonizing but he realises he can stretch it out, longer and longer and that there's serious hope for him to get out of it. The positivity of this junction is so great for him he doesn't even get cynical or self-punishing about it, he's just happy to realise he's finally on the way out of so much darkness.
A girl then approaches him, trying to worship him and thanking him for killing her rapist. She and several others belong to a cult that venerates Mephi for his killings of evil people, often their own abusers, and though not really aware he's trying to put that behind him, they don't want him to change and think the Church is abusing him. Their influence leads Mephi to a mental breakdown and he degenerates back to running and isolation to try and avoid them; the Church simultaneously offers Mephi a position as a judge of sinners that they throw into a pit where he's to live, a prospect Mephi despises. Mephi breaks from the Church again and from society in general, and given that he has now refused the Church's last diplomatic option for him, he is put in position for Renard to come in.
TRIVIA'S NARRATIVE
A very low-key narrative. Trivia's narrative is a romance with the tension between whether Trivia chooses Mephi or Swift. She is not romantically interested in Mephi, but has a strange bond with him due to their close early relationship and she does regard him as her father figure. There is a strange slant in Trivia due to Mephi's influence towards doom and melancholy, and her love of Mephi does slant her in a suicidal fashion to be near to him and inevitably one day be eaten by him. She overcomes this inclination by choosing Swift instead, though it takes a lot for her to understand what Swift really is, who he is, and what he really means for her--life.
The Shevra Baht member who leads the hunt against Trivia is Swift's little sister, because that's fun and she wants to redeem the family name from Swift's tomfoolery.
CAMILLE'S NARRATIVE
Camille is a Christian. This happens in the middle of act 2; Camille realises the only way out of the solipsistic hell-world of Aurholm he's accidentally made for himself is to call, pray, and trust on Jesus Christ. He is extremely quiet and low-key about the truth of this, but during all his time sitting in his tower, he is trying to be a better Christian such as to be recognized and receive salvation out of Aurholm. This is hard for him since he only sees the Archons as 'real' people and he is, again, stuck in a tower. He has the world's single copy of the Bible and it's the only object too pure for him to handle comfortably, so he also has a long-term project of trying to understand it thoroughly.
Camille's narrative is nuts and I may return to post more of my draft notes for it. But the biggest thing with it is that Camille is quietly trying to get saved by Jesus out of Aurholm and is extremely reluctant to tell people about it.
ASTER'S NARRATIVE
Aster only uses her powers when forced (killed), at a dead end, and in a way called 'wipes'. Each death for her is a 'wipe'. She doesn't jump around timelines within a wipe. She is terrified that doing that means, in a way, killing everyone in the timeline she leaves behind, so the guilt is too strong for her to become that frivolous with her powers.
She figures out the Lisbet Issue a lot faster than implied on her profile. She solves it on the first wipe where she meets Zachary thanks to him using his Archon powers to bind a mechanism to Pleroma that assures the Lisbet-breaks-everything-thing stops happening, which persists across timelines. In the process of this, Aster and Zachary become queen and king of the world (Aurholm) and establish a ton of universal mechanics that make the world into this weird messed-up paradise; particularly, Zachary is able to make pain into something pleasurable. This corrupts the world utterly. Zachary realises what he's done once he realises his own behaviour is becoming totally corrupt and sadistic, and this leads to him breaking his soul link with Aster and resetting the wipe. Trivia was witness to all of this and supports Zachary's desire to try something else (she didn't mind the corrupt paradise in itself; Camille however did).
Aster is furious that Zachary threw away paradise but also admires him because she knows she corrupted him. I'm not sure where she stands on him during Paean but she is opposed to Trivia, who is trying to help and protect Zachary, especially from a very erratic Aster who is actually thinking about using her powers for once.
Once someone becomes an Archon in any wipe, it's inevitable they will always be an Archon. If circumstances don't align for them to become an Archon, which requires active effort to stop, the world just dissolves and the wipe ends; so Poppy and Zachary are always locked in as Archons, no matter what Aster wants. (She is super paranoid about too much time travel opening up more opportunities for Archons in the century between them).
POPPY'S NARRATIVE
Not too much different from the profile, but Poppy is in a position of higher agency due to being neurally linked to a VR communications system; so she can still interact with people while locked-in. The CCOB is a system where everyone's bank accounts are digital and their money is provided directly from the government, and can be deducted or added for any arbitrary reason Poppy (or her subordinates) decides is suitable; essentially trying to use this as a mechanism to manipulate people's behaviour. Poppy genuinely wants people to be 'better people' and just has a twisted idea of how to achieve this, but her subordinates are sociopaths who enjoy exploiting it. Poppy is in denial for much of her narrative but eventually realises what's gone wrong and greatly regrets what she's done; by the end, she's genuinely a rather good person and trying hard to rip the system down or at least modulate it into a form that works.
Poppy's massive shift of perspective about herself doesn't come from witnessing slaves being beaten, though that still happens and still horrifies her, it's that she accidentally bullies a friend into suicide and is shocked with the revelation that her personality, and sense of humour, is actually that dangerous/cruel. She doesn't like it and decides to lean harder into being nice, or good. Her overall behaviour and personality as an Archon is nicer than it appears from her profile, though all the profile information is still correct.
ZACHARY'S NARRATIVE (PAEAN)
Zach's narrative is the one that brings all the stories together; despite that, it's principally about Zachary, and principally about Zachary's journey in learning how to be a Christian. Part of that is choosing spiritual life over physical death. It's never stated in such overt terms, at least not in the beginning, but Zachary's lessons from Camille truly have been about training Zachary in being Christian, and though Zachary's going AWOL has disrupted Camille's hopes, Camille has been trying to raise Zachary to be someone who might be able to defeat Aurholm, and especially Camellia.
Camille recognizes that he is too weak to do anything to really fix Aurholm, and that he needs Camellia's power and competence to do anything. (Lisbet's ideas have percolated into his subconscious). But he doesn't trust Camellia, if he cedes his ego back into Camellia's, to do anything except keep playing in Aurholm and keep being completely delusional. Camille needs somebody who can defeat Camellia. He doesn't think consciously, 'that'll be Zachary,' but he does think Zachary is a good enough boy that he wants to introduce the idea to him once he's older.
Zachary matures over Paean, quicker than Camille thinks, into a person who defeats Camellia. After his long journey, he returns to Amsherrat's temple and simply looks at Camille. Camille understands the bout accusation and cedes to Camellia. Camellia simply looks at Zachary, realises Zachary has become greater than him, and forfeits the bout, defeated, by ceding himself back down into Camille; but with all Camellia's powers and competencies, just Camille's ego instead, because Camellia has ceded that Camille is the superior iteration. Rather, the iteration he needs to be to grow and do any good in the world at present. That's the first time anybody defeats Camellia in a legitimate bout.
(Lisbet's present too for this).
An event then happens that I call the Reckoning, which is the destruction of Aurholm and reestablishment of a new world with ties to Pleroma. There is a stark good/evil divide between Heaven and Hell in the new world, as well as the divide between the spiritual and physical world; and a level of persistent gradation between the good and evil. So there's like the 90% good level, the 89.58495% good level, the 55% good level, the 45% good level (which would be a hell), etc, in infinite degrees. Spirits can travel between these gradations but are only really comfortable at the level they resonate at; ie, a 45% good spirit would be most comfortable at the 45% good level, which is a hell. Physical earth still exists and people are born, live, and die there every day.
AURHOLM
Aurholm is destroyed in the Reckoning. The new world has no elements of Aurholm; the spiritual world does retain a few environments of Aurholm. Kitiven, Palida, Miulu, and Ordanz are all destroyed. Phoenix is able to save Asphodel and bring Asphodel into Pleroma as a city in Heaven, with a physical counterpart as a city on earth.
The inhabitants of Aurholm, all who ever existed, are given the option to be brought into the gradation system of the new world as spirits, or be incorporated back into Camille. Those who refuse Camille are individuated as themselves, similar to how Archons are though without their problems or powers. Those who accept Camille still exist, just subsumed into Camille. Everyone knows whether they'd be going to Heaven or Hell; Camille is a Heaven portal. They stay at their gradation levels.
The Archons are all already individuated. They gain the ability to travel and comfortably adapt across gradation levels; this is their defining feature, that they have 'good' manifestations, 'neutral' manifestations, and 'evil' manifestations (their existing Archon manifestation), with the good manifestations being uniformly stronger than their other manifestations, uniformly more powerful, more good, more wise, and more of everything positive valent in them. The neutral and above manifestations don't hurt them at all. They, and all spirits, are subject to the authority of God through Jesus Christ and are often off doing missions across the heavens and earth.
All the Archons get to Heaven. 98% of Aurholm gets to Heaven. The remainder are those in sin who rejected Camille.
CAMELLIA/CAMILLE
These two are integrated as the same entity; Camellia is Camille's 'extremely good' manifestation and mostly hangs out with God doing things I don't know and Camille doesn't even really know. Camille is a spirit mostly in charge of raising and caring for dead or aborted children and orphans in Heaven. There is also a process of learning and growth, maturation proceeding with Camille.
VERTICILLASTER
Has been chilling this whole time and is an angel not quite at 'hanging with God' level, but very much up there. Finds it SO typical that Camellia is that level.
MIQUIR
Is integrated into creation in a way where he's not using his powers outside of God's command. Becomes far less robotic.
ARSENE
Is not redeemed. Arsene remains a Kenoma avatar and remains extremely evil and obsessed with Camellia; however, he is legitimised by Zachary and given the charge (with support from Camellia) to corrupt the world as hard as he can. This mission overjoys Arsene, who is now extremely happy to be doing what he's doing. The forces of Heaven oppose this corruption and this is the fundamental conflict, or lynchpin of existence; the push and pull between Arsene and Zachary, or rather between Kenoma and Pleroma.
RENARD
Gains the ability to manifest as a human again. Neutral manifestation can manifest as other weapons too. Nature is not pyrite and iron, but gold and blazing-hot platinum.
MEPHI
Mephi's nature changes even before the Reckoning; during Paean, he's able to reverse his powerset into not a black hole, but a charitable nexus that survives by effusing and giving to others. These charities gestate in him when he is regarded with kindness or genuine love, then spring out of him. He can flip back into black hole mode but typically won't. The souls he consumed are effused and reborn without their sins. He cannot shapeshift or use magic when in charity mode, but he does become a powerful prayer warrior ala Madjea, which is stronger.
PHOENIX
A second sun rises at night and the fires that burn him become blue, holy fires that do not hurt him. Phoenix finally learns how to do politics and destroys all Aquila's stupid plotting by subjecting the whole nation of Asphodel to God, which saves it and automatically individuates all its citizens into Heaven. He remains a prince of Asphodel in Heaven and a patron of princehood and good rulership when ministering on lower levels.
AQUILA
Aquila is one of the 2% from Aurholm that decides to go to hell. Phoenix and Jacklyn spend many years trying to get him to climb out of there, with Lisbet ultimately being successful in getting him a patron spirit position over a significant country, which eases him massively into being more obedient toward God. Prior to the Reckoning he almost destroyed things with his stupid fixation with overly advanced worldbreaking technology and battelust to slap God around. Aquila is the second sun of Asphodel.
JACKLYN
Has a body in the spirit which is male in higher inclinations and can manifest as female in lower inclinations. Very high-level spirit of kindness, fidelity, bonds, and friendship; very active ministering on earth but reigned in properly by God. Spends a lot of time also just hanging out with his friends up in Heaven, and Jayden.
JAYDEN
Made it to Heaven during the Reckoning on her own merits. She's Zachary's mom; not an Archon, regular heaven spirit. Which means things are great for her. Spends a lot of time with Jacklyn though.
TRIVIA
Interesting case where her job is to literally do whatever she wants on whatever gradation she wants in what ever place she wants for as long as she wants, she can't get it wrong; spirit of freedom and breaking of chains. Still has a very intimate relationship with Swift, and her highest inclinations are ones where she's with Swift. Also still babies Camille a lot.
SWIFT
Made it to Heaven during the Reckoning on his own merits. Heaven spirit of humour, entertainment, jokes, and laughter, which means things are great for him. Spends some time with Trivia whenever she swoops by.
LISBET
Lisbet hated Zachary's solution to Aurholm and doesn't like that evil and pain still exist; she is an Archon and heaven spirit, but spends most of her time in Hell in her evil incarnation (base Archon form) trying to get people out of hell. And succeeds a lot, but is chiefly mad about Arsene and thinks better could be done for Arsene. Wards are on her so that she'll never actually get to him though that only God can break. When she goes up to her higher inclinations, she quickly becomes mad at Zachary and falls again--the 'Lisbet problem' is one of those things going on in the background of this new world, though the only 'problem' with it is that Lisbet needs to learn to mature a little.
ASTER
Aster is doing a lot better; a spirit that introduces variance into the environment by weaving whether a quark goes left or right, within the instruction/limitations of God, effectively a spirit of free will and RNG. Still rather intimate with Zachary because of that aspect, but not in a husband/wife way anymore. In her lower inclinations, she's a minister for children, child warriors, and those who need to be brave through terrifying circumstances. She's very kind and protective, and prevents things from being abandoned in the first place.
POPPY
Has a body in the spirit and inhabits Heaven; isn't limited by her dream realm and can exist outside it without waking up or dying. Or dying when she wakes up. Extremely kind in her high inclinations as a spirit of creativity, art, friendship, and love, who thrives when inspiring others with ways to make their creative ideas work. She's very competent at it too at these inclinations. The controlling streak only shows up in low inclinations; in high ones, it's leadership.
ZACHARY
Zachary is a Saint and a servant of Jesus Christ. His primary ministry is to help raise those who are pursuing Heaven through the 'right' path -- charity, love, service to others and to god, honesty, faithfulness, fidelity, and so on, the legitimate means to heaven, by actively teaching them and picking them up when they fall, or helping them subsist through situations where they're in danger. He also directly opposes and fights Arsene, and counters corruption through presenting the Word of the Gospel in speech or in practical observable action. His secondary ministry is to slap those who are pursuing Heaven through the 'left' path, those who exploit others and are cheating to put themselves in control of heavenly things, which dumps them back down to hell to be lifted up again from the beginning or to be ministered by Lisbet.
Zachary has higher manifestations than these, but I don't know them--I just know they're great. He's one of those 'can hang out with God' people, but he doesn't do it as much as Camellia. He hangs out with Camille a lot though and is only in pain when he wants to be in pain.
Zachary won the Reckoning and structured this blueprint in the way that it is because he adores free will, which reversed the founding sin of Aurholm and counters Lisbet's error -- the securing of peace at the cost of free will. Gates of Heaven is a story fundamentally with this thesis statement: peace is not worth it without free will, but circumstances can be much better than people think. Free will necessarily gives rise to sin and cruelty, for various reasons: pain relief, misguided attempts at personal development, sometimes simply 'fun'. There is a love some people can have towards sin that will fundamentally block them from accessing better things, and bring pain to those around them. I am trying to say with this story that people don't need to stay like that, and don't need to stay in abusive relationships with their sins; there can be better, and it's best to try and reach for that better. Even if it seems inaccessible. Obviously, this is a Christian story, and ultimately where I want to point is the Bible. So continue from there...
I have more to say on this, but will leave it here for today.
18/11/2023
So here's a fun thing about the dopamine D2 receptor. Once you sensitise it, it doesn't desensitise.
In short terms, I may have accidentally made it literally impossible for me to sleep without sleeping aids. I'm less destroyed by this thought than I should be either because the implications haven't hit yet or I've already accepted this is my life now, or the remainder of it. I figure life will be pretty short in a world where the sleep aids stop working.
Does this shake my faith in God? Weirdly no. I love Him so much. But this is the current state of things, to be confirmed, or disconfirmed, or just further investigated. There's some random projects I should really finish up and post somewhere in respect to this.
11/11/2023
So this blog is two things, a thanksgiving testimony and a PSA. To start, a PSA.
NEVER GO ON ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ESPECIALLY ONE CALLED ABILIFY/ARIPRIPRAZOLE. This substance was literally killing me.
And the more important part:
GOD IS REAL AND HE IS THE ONLY REASON I'M NOT DEAD FROM ARIPRIPRAZOLE. I went to a Christian healing room and quite literally came out alive again after being turned into this horrible hell-zombie state where everything was awful and I couldn't think, sit down, feel, rest, do anything, oh yeah or SLEEP. I have yet to sleep tonight but I simply feel so much better after a session of prayer and deliverance in the Holy Spirit by experienced prayer warriors that it's night and day. Something HAPPENED. Tangibly happened. That just wiped the oppressive fatigue and all the rest of it off of me.
And for that I have so much thanks, so much love, and so much praise that God truly is a loving God who wants to help and heal His children. My perception of God has been twisted around in uncharitable ways that make me forget that the root of God is always love, a paternal love that is personal towards everyone, even towards every sinner, waiting for them to repent and return to Him. I need to get more invested with God and find out more about Him through meeting more serious Christians, and more Christians in general, in these ministries because they are Saints overflowing with this clear tangible positive power. And I want to be at least a little like that. And be someone God can use to do something like that for others, though the prospect of matching up to their fervency is intimidating.
Still very tired but replenished and hopeful to get some sleep tonight. Praise the Lord.
(Morning update: Took some Zopiclone for sleep and got a good full night. Next mission is figuring out how to sleep without sleep aids. Feeling much better and again going to need help from the Lord I'm sure. I love him.)
7/11/2023
So this will be a doozy. I'm finally at the point in my tether where I feel cornered enough to make a blog post, and bare my heart to online onlookers, which I'm beginning to think is something I should've been doing more from a long time ago.
How to begin with this? For the past month and a bit, I've either been schizophrenic, tormented by demons, or both, with fixations around the possibility of being a 'prophet'. I've been hearing voices, which are not external sounding voices so much as internal sounding voices, and they've convinced me several times to play along with, or do, things that in retrospect I can say are insane but at the time were extremely convincing. I deleted Gates of Heaven not quite at the behest of these voices (rather just before they became very overt), restored it, deleted it, restored it — I'm settled on keeping it safe but I am terrified that I've already done something unforgivable in ever deleting it at all.
Then are the real crazy things, the rituals, rubbing my face against a tree for an hour straight in the middle of the night because that was a 'portal to heaven' and I'd be a super-angel once I zooped over there because I was getting an Elijah blessing and would never die... yeah when I write it out I know how awful it sounds. Hearing voices of my characters claiming they were all actually real and that they were saving and/or destroying the world and hated and/or loved me because their powersets were too strong and stories were too painful, also, everything fictional is real and awful... that one messed me up and sent me to a mental ward for a little less than a week, a timespan that I can only call a miracle for how ferally I was behaving.
There's one unforgivable sin, and it's blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I don't know if I ever really knew the Holy Spirit, but I know that He's real; in the past couple weeks, I've felt him for sure when interacting with truly faithful Christians in ministry who were praying for me. So I am begging for this to be an indication that He does have His regard for me and truly is helping me despite everything I've done and the doubtless missteps I've made in trying to navigate this insanity. I'm looking for doctors, I'm looking even more for exorcists. I haven't been able to sleep for more than a couple hours a time every night. It's horrific and the most horrific part is simply never being sure if what I'm doing is right or not; because even though they're liars, demons know the spiritual world and the gospel more than me.
These voices tell me random things about people, places, everything, that to me sound so compelling but also so wrong for how much they tend to cohere to my preconceived notions. I wonder if I'm experiencing to a degree what it's like for people who I will admit I have looked down upon unfairly; people with urges, people stuck with delusions, people who have strong emotional impulses. I feel I suddenly understand how all of that can happen. Suddenly I also feel I love, or can love, this demographic a lot more.
Another thing I'm afraid about is a certain prophet I've been following. I've seen her prophecies come true, so that's an indication that she's legitimate. But equally I wonder if a fixation with her is how this entire thing started for me and whether I should distance myself from her. If she is legitimate, I am horrified at the thought of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit by distancing from her. But if she is how this started for me, then I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get out of this without taking such distance.
Part of why I'm insistent that it's demons and not just psychosis is because there are physical elements to all this; screaming during prayer, burping, feelings of heat... so on.
All this said, it's also important to give thanks to God in all things and praise God at all times, even or especially through hardships. I am. I'm begging for that acknowledgement; I'm grateful for my mother and her support, I thank God for giving me her, I'm thankful for my resources that are cushioning me through this, I'm thankful for a sympathetic Church community, and I'm thankful for every good thing that I have, my cat, my home, my country, everything. I'm thankful for getting out of the mental ward quickly, though I also wish to have more thorough talks with the psychologists. I praise God for his might in being able to do all of this and frankly for humbling me when I often treated so much of this stuff like a game or a diversion from boredom, despite my sympathy; it is awful. I praise God for making me just care more about people. I praise God too because I know he's Love, and even if it is horrific right now, outside of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, I am sure that the ultimate resolution of this predicament will be a loving one. I know God the Father is just and punishes the sinners; but I know Jesus the Son is forgiving and raises them back up.
Quite literally the only thing I feel I can do is rely on God, or Jesus, or the Spirit, to catch me. I don't think I can get out of this on my own.
18/01/2023
I don't usually write my thoughts down in anything much less in blogs, but it felt obligatory to have one, so here it is. Remains to be seen if I'll use it.
I suppose you start one of these by saying what you've been up to. I've been planning for a trip to OHKN later this year. Arrangements probably won't be finalised for a while but I think progress right now is good.
Went on a bushwalk up to the dam, it was really nice. It used to be a water source for the region up until the 50s, and it has this cool, smooth waterfall that streams down through the rest of the bush. You can see the piping and stuff poking out from under the soil along the track. There's this one spot that's a dropoff to some boulders. They were probably carved out and dumped there by people when they were building the track.
There were swing bridges and I saw a couple fantails! They were a little different from normal ones, more brown around the head, but really cute when they chirped, like, 'beep beep'. Kinda like a goldfinch but more woodcock-y and less melodic. They were probably babies.
The top of it was beautiful. It's basically this smooth, flat lake that has a gentle flow down the waterfall. I took some photos. There were ducks living there! Just normal mallards and grey hybrids. The mountains behind contrast the flatness of the lake and make this vista. You can see the atmosphere occluding the further mountains more than the nearer ones too. And the lake was glittering like diamonds, it's cliche but it really is like that, it's from these pinpricks on the crests that act like the borders of the facets.
The day before that I fed the ducks. I got one of them to eat from my hand and it stepped on my foot so I felt it; their bills are rather tough and clacky, their bodies are firm but soft, and their feet are soft. They are so cute. One of them has a hurt wing, I noticed it a couple weeks ago but it seems to be doing ok. The only predators around are housecats and there's a ton of canadian geese also living in the area, so cats probably wouldn't bother with the ducks.
That's a pretty good blog I think! Sometimes I think writing things down makes them easier to recall, but harder to remember. Like if I put the sentiments down I'll only know them second-hand. That's the logic of why people vent, to get the feelings out. But people who vent a lot are usually angry again quickly so maybe it's just endogenous. Hurf hurf.
Or to be one of those people who does things explicitly to write about them in blogs. In some ways sounds like good motivation but I think talking about things detracts from them a bit. Sometimes things are presents, and it's for you, and you can only give them on to a person who's actually standing there. But even then what they'll see will be different things from you. Going out and about while thinking about an audience sounds really terrible. There's really only one person I'd like to think of that way.